tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56447938917461995372024-03-21T21:06:09.149-07:00Home Great HomeBeckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.comBlogger354125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-84674354815654743372019-06-24T09:33:00.002-07:002019-06-24T09:33:24.753-07:00Last post for a while This could be my last post for good or maybe just for a while, I'm not sure which. I do know that I'm at that point again, where I've lost my love for writing.<br />
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At the same time, you might find a random post or two pop up.<br />
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Things in my life right now are too complicated and too personal to share on the Internet, even though not many read this blog.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-51497058892334870262019-06-23T10:53:00.000-07:002019-06-23T11:02:44.325-07:00The little life It is one of those days when I feel frustrated. It's a busy time with dogs and the dogs I have are high maintenience. (I suppose they all are.) I'm getting another dog tomorrow that I'm not looking forward to (I feel guilty saying that but it's true.) And then a few more dogs this weekend. I feel overloaded. And that's just the dog stuff.<br />
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The house stuff is overwhelming as well. Because of all the dogs, I have to watch them with play to make sure things don't get out of hand or that one of them doesn't sneak away to go poop (it happens a lot) and so dishes aren't done. I get behind on that, and then we don't have enough silverware or plates for the next meal. Our kitchen is never clean anymore. And the kitchen floor--full of dirty footprints and paw prints.<br />
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Laundry--speaks for itself. The kids have been going around in winter clothes because they claim they don't have any clean summer clothes. If they would just look in the hamper, they would find it. I sort their clothes and lay them out on the couch for them to take--and they just sit there--for days.<br />
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The bathroom is gross.<br />
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The carpets are gross. Full of dog hair.<br />
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I just feel so discouraged. I feel like a failure because it's not even trying to keep up with everything, but now the house is a health-hazzard. I mean, truly disgusting. Dead bugs because no one will pick them up and the floors don't get mopped regularly. Dried up throw up from the dogs (if they drink too much water and then play, they throw up) because I didn't get a chance to get to it and then forgot about it. I could go on, but it would take too much time. It is just too much.<br />
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Let's not even talk about the bedrooms. Clothes constantly on the floors because no one puts anything away. Nothing in the drawers or closets because it's always on the floor.<br />
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Max's diabetes stuff--everywhere. Dirty test strips and random needles.<br />
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And then there are the people.<br />
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Do you ever feel like everyone is just asking too much of you? This is how I feel lately. There is so much to do, so much on my plate, and yet, someone always has something to ask.<br />
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Obviously the kids are the neediest. Even though they are much older and should be more indendent, they're not. They are helpless. The things they ask help with or the problems they get themselves in leaves me shaking my head.<br />
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And of course the dogs ask something--all the time. Feed me, potty me, exercise me, play with me, love me. Some are needier than others.<br />
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All of this complaining leads to what happened this morning at church. I was feeling the weight of it all and wanting to just leave after Mass. But they had refreshments for the feast of Corpus Christi, and of course the kids wanted to have some. I told them to hurry, and a woman who is part of the homebound ministry came up to me. She asked me what time I wanted to meet her at church when we do homebound together.<br />
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Well, we had already gone over this during one of her phone calls with me. I knew she was asking me because she wanted to make sure I remembered. This irks me to no end. I must admit I have little patience with some of the older ladies. They seem so anxious about everything and the constant reminders they give me--like they don't trust me or I'm too brainless to remember things--frustrates me. On a better day, I can usually handle these small annoyances pretty well and even hide my true feelings. But not today. Today I said to her, "Didn't we agree to meet at 8:30?" In my nicest voice, of course. She said, "Oh, yes, I just wanted to make sure you remembered." (See?!?!)<br />
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Then she asked me if I was going to call everyone on the list to make sure they remembered we would be coming on Tuesday for homebound.<br />
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True, my regular partner had asked if I would do this and I said I would. But in the hustle bustle with vacation and then unpacking, the house is a huge mess, as I said. Add six dogs to it, and things are really chaotic. I'm sure the list of phone numbers are floating around somewhere under the piles of paper and clothes and dog poop, but frankly, the idea of spending time on the phone calling everyone--and adding one more thing to my list, made me say, "Would you mind doing it? I don't know where my list of phone numbers are."<br />
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She pursed her lips and said, "Oh. Well. I guess."<br />
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I didn't say anything, I guess I could have tried to redeem myself and explain how hectic everything is. But I didn't. It doesn't seem to do much good anyway, because when I try to explain things, people don't get it. They look at me like I'm making excuses.<br />
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These older ladies who have all their kids out of the house, all their house duties done within an hour (because they never get behind), and no other responsibilities except for the things they volunteer for, they seem to forget what it was like to be mom, wife and helpmate with financial needs. And today I just couldn't take it.<br />
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I tried to remember Jesus who was still present with me and asked for help in being patient with this woman. I made myself smile at her--though it probably looked more like the Joker and it wasn't even sincere, but I know that Jesus understood the struggle in my heart.<br />
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Then another woman who I do like very much said hello to me, but I was so on edge that I couldn't even be friendly. I looked towards her and tried to smile but all I saw was: "Maternity Clothes Woman." This was the woman who assumed I am pregnant and gave me a huge box of materinity clothes that I don't need. There are certain people in my church who assume that just because we have a big family that we are constant need for clothes. I sometimes feel like another Good Will. I found myself dodging her as I worried she would try to pawn off more of her junk on me.<br />
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On the way home from church, I asked the kids if they knew what feast it was today and they all drew a blank. When I reminded them it was the Feast of Corpus Christi (I mean, it was the homily for cryin' out loud), I asked them what it meant. No one knew. I got upset because every year we talk about what it means and why we celebrate it. Every year. And every new year, they still forget what it is. It is like this with nearly every feast. And then I felt the pressure of failure of not catechiszing my kids.<br />
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I wrote a while ago that I want to be a saint. This is not true anymore. It feels so out of reach, so impossible. It doesn't even feel like it's something God wants me to be. Who am I to think that I could ever be a saint?<br />
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And remember, I am not talking about a canonized saint, but simply a person who has attained their holiness to get to heaven. But in my discouragement, I have found it difficult to swallow. I hate to admit this, because I know so many people would jump in with their arguments about how it's all pride and everything...but I can't help how I feel. I look at myself and how easily I fall and I have to laugh. So many people tell me how impossible I was as a child, a teenager and even as an adult. No one has ever had a good memory about me as a kid. If anything, they bring up how difficult I was. And even now, I still have very little people who truly like me. Because of my faults and weaknesses that I can't ever overcome. I will be in Purgatory forever. So be it.<br />
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This is how I feel. But it's not what I truly believe.<br />
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In a moment of this discouragement, I gave my dream of becoming a saint to God. I gave my hopes of attaining holiness and avoiding purgatory to Him. I told Him He could have it and I will become as holy as He desires. I won't worry about it anymore. Because I can't do the impossible. I am just too imperfect in so many ways.<br />
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Instead, I will give Him as much as I can. Even if it's just simply a desire of what I hope for. When I look back on my day and just see mistake after mistake, I'll look at it as a toddler who just starting to walk and does so with more falls than actual steps. Because parents are just happy over how many steps--not falls--that their baby has taken. They count every one.<br />
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I began to understand for the first time that St.Therse suffered in this way all her life, on the brink of discouragement. I say "the brink" because she never actually became discouraged, but she also was very aware of all her faults and weaknesses. I never really saw her in this way before; she talks so much about loving God that she made it sound easy--she even said it was easy. But for this first time, God let me see truly what she suffered and how much she suffered, knowing exactly what she was, and just giving it up, self-sacrificing her pride over and over putting the hope of her salvation in God's hands.<br />
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The "littleness" that she constantly refers to of herself is her cheerful way of describing her weaknesses and faults. Instead of complaining over them, she saw that she would always be little. She would forever be the little flower at the feet of Jesus, rather than the beautiful orchids that stood tall that everyone admired.<br />
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I have the calling to live the little life. I have always known this but avoided it. But this day, it jumped out at me as an invitation to be part of St.Therese's "army of little souls." And now, even though today has been rough, I have fallen again, been rude to others and have every reason to give up, I read these quotes from St.Therese who constantly is urging me on:<br />
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<b><i>"To draw near to Jesus we must be so little....Oh! how few souls aspire to be littel and unknown..." </i></b><br />
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<b><i>"I am no longer surprised at anything, nor do I grieve at seeing that I am frailty itself; on the contrary I glory in it, and exect to discover new imperfections in myself each day. These lights concerning my nothingness do mre more good, I affirm, than lights regarding faith." </i></b><br />
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<b><i>"When we commit a fault we must not think it due to a physical cause, such as illness or the weather, we must attribute this fall to our imperfection, but without ever growing discouraged."</i></b><br />
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<b><i>"I understand very well how St.Peter fell. He dpended too confidently on the fervor of his feelings, instead of relying solely upon Divine strength. Had he said to Jesus: 'Lord, give me the strength to follow Thee even unto death,' that strenghth, I am quite sure, would not have been refused him."</i></b><br />
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And the kicker--today being Sunday and the feast of Corpuse Christi:<br />
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<b><i>"Do you know my Sundays and festivals? They are the days the good God tries me the most."</i></b><br />
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<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-48208512892440156822019-06-15T09:56:00.000-07:002019-06-15T10:03:51.404-07:00He hears every word<br />
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So I was on Facebook the other day when Jennifer Fulwiler--who I've been following for a while--promoted a friends website that makes greeting cards and the website has a section for the LGBT community. Needless to say, this was surprising. At first, people just commented with a question like, "were you aware that this supports the LGBT community??" But then those questions turned into accusations. And then the accusations just got meaner and meaner.<br />
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<span style="background-color: #f2f3f5; color: #1c1e21; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">So very disappointed in you. I’m sure she is a good friend, but you know this is wrong. Don’t promote against what the church teaches. I have adored you. But I am so disappointed. </span><br />
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<i>(The comment above is just one of the many disheartening comments that I've read. It's not as mean spirited but just as harmful. Why, may I ask, are we putting so much stock in a mere human--who is as flawed with weaknesses as we are--that we are SO disappointed when they do something wrong??? That is our mistake that we feel so let down, not theirs!)</i><br />
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I jumped in with my own comment, trying to give Jen a little time and support while she thinks things over--and of course, everyone jumped on me, as I knew they would. Other people also defended her as well and things just got ugly. Yikes.<br />
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I know that "celebrity Catholics" have to develop a thick skin for things like this, and I'm sure that Ms.Fulwiler is handling everything just fine. It just irks me to see this stuff. It hits a wound, right to the bone, to see good Catholics act so badly. I have to say something about it. It's so hard not to.<br />
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This is how people acted when Fr.John Coropi announced he was leaving the priesthood to marry a woman he was having an affair with. People were rightly disappointed and saddened. I would even say they had a right to feel betrayed. This was a priest that everyone trusted and looked up to. I didn't like how far some of the people went with their words but I did understand the hurt. (By the way, he has turned around, still a priest, but not allowed to give talks anymore.)<br />
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But this is just a regular woman who is a speaker and writes articles. She has a great and inspiring story of her conversion to the Catholic Faith. And everyone has put her high on up on a pedestal. Why, why, why do we do this?? It isn't fair and it isn't right.<br />
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No wonder God waits to make a saint out of someone until they are dead. Let them finish their life before we raise them up. Because while we're still on this earth, we still sin! We are weak people.<br />
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When I wrote my article on the PB & Grace website about how I prevented one of my kids from receiving Communion after acting out repeatedly during Mass, I too, got so many mean and condemning comments from people. They were hurtful and they tore down my spirit. They didn't help. They didn't teach. They just tore my soul apart. So this is why it bothers me so much and it will always bother me. I voiced my opinion on Jennifer's thread and I will voice it here, where I have more freedom to talk.<br />
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Speak out and speak the truth.<br />
But remember you stand in the Confessional line too.<br />
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Is this how you would want a priest to talk to you? With words of judgement and condemnation? Can you imagine him saying, "Weren't you here just last week--didn't you just confess this sin?? You keep committing this sin, you can't be that serious about your faith. Who are you to continue to say you are sorry when you obviously aren't!" ???<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #001320; font-family: "roboto" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;">"And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every careless word you speak."</span><br />
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Inform the sinner but do it without emotion and anger. Most of the time, people just weren't aware or didn't know.<br />
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If they continue to support something that goes against the Catholic Church, then obviously you shouldn't follow that person. But we should always, always, be careful with our words. They can be weapons. I wish so much we would learn how to be patient with one another. And I wish so much we could learn to distinquish when we love a person and when we idolize them--which is a grave sin anyway.<br />
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Our good friend Gennie, who was very close to my mom and Dad, said she had a dream about a week after my Dad died. She said he appeared to her, looking radient and said:<br />
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"Genny---He hears every word! He hears every word!"<br />
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Whether or not this dream was truly a vision or not, only God knows, but regardless, there is a truth to it. He hears every word. So let's use our words carefully.<br />
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<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-9760611730270928212019-05-10T07:26:00.001-07:002019-05-10T08:28:30.759-07:00How to fight DepressionNot that I'm an expert on this subject by any means.. I'm not. In fact, the reason why I felt inspired to write this post is because today, again, I'm fighting my demons. They come and go but lately, they are here often.<br />
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Depression really isn't a choice, it's just there. It's not like a bad mood you can shake off. It's this unwanted visitor that comes and makes you feel down, sad, moody, tired and irritable. Like never ending PMS.<br />
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Depression even comes in different levels: mild and severe and those come in different times of my life too. For instance, I know that darkness affects my depression. Nightime is when I tend to struggle the most with dark thoughts, and too many rainy days or cloudy/cold days is bad too. I once worked the night shift for a month, and it was probably the worst period of depression I have ever had. Being in a perpetual state of darkness and quiet, and then sleep deprived on top of it, is the worst thing you can do for someone with depression. I can't even begin to describe how horrible it was but when I quit my job a month later and went on a regular day shift, the deression lifted. I probably should be one of those people that lives in perpetually warm and sunny states, like Florida.<br />
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Sometimes Depression can get so bad that it puts you in a literal survival mode--the same one as what our bodies do in a life threatening situation. To stay in deep depression for too long is like staying in hypothermia too long; it clouds your judgement, makes you sleepy, and leads you to death. For this, I have a little "survival" plan that I use when I am feeling depressed. I don't follow all these guidelines/rules all the time but I try to at least use some of them. They are like a rope out of my depression. Here they are:<br />
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<li><b>Stick close to the Sacraments.</b> This one I'm not great at, but I am trying to do better. I struggle a lot with my conscious when I'm feeling depressed, so Confession is great for this. Puts clarity and perspective back in to clear up some of the cloudy confusion that comes with depression. It's very easy to blame others when you feel depressed and not even realize it, and this is where the counsel of a good priest helps. I want to also try to start making it for daily Mass. I think receiving the Eucharist would really help me. It's hard to do this because of getting kids to school and having dogs here. But I keep thinking that this would probably be very beneficial to me not just in my spiritual life, but just for my overall well-being. </li>
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<li><b>Force yourself to smile, be cheerful for others. </b>This one is really hard and I'm not good at it. When you are feeling so down, sad, and tired, the last thing you feel like doing is smiling. This morning was another tough morning with sadness and it was so hard to not be irritable around the kids. I tried though. That is all I can do sometimes even if I don't succeed. I guess the biggest motivator for me is that I don't want others to feel sad, so why spread the gloom?</li>
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<li><b>Prayer.</b> I pray a lot about my feelings to God and this helps a lot. It also helps me from doing self-pity posts on Facebook that no one would want to read anyway. Facebook is a terrible place to get sympathy and understanding. This is what I used to do, and I would always feel even more alone because people hate posts like this and just scroll on by. I have some opinions on that, but that is for another post. :-) But God doesn't mind your gloomy thoughts or your complaints. He can take it. He doesn't get disgusted with your weakness. And He helps me get through it. I've never had a prayer that I felt went unheard when I go to God with my sadness. </li>
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<li><b>Get busy.</b> When I'm battling depression, I try hard to distract myself with being busy doing something else. Usually it's just the normal things I have to do anyway, but I work even harder at getting it done and try to stay off of social media, as that tends to make me feel more tired and depressed. For instance, I try to get one thing off my list that has been bugging me. Like working on the front yard garden. I feel embarrassed with the way it looks and having customers come make the embarrassment even worse. So getting out and working on that, doing something productive, makes me feel good. Plus, the sunshine gives you Vitimin D which is really important to fight off depression anyway. If the day is too cold or rainy to go out (dark gloomy days make it even harder to fight depression), I try to work on one of the kids bedrooms and get it nice looking again. Guilt is something I struggle a lot with, and I feel a lot of "Mom guilt" that my kids rooms are so smelly and yucky and that we aren't good about cleaning them. So that is one thing off my list that I don't have to feel guilty about anymore, and actually, I end up feeling good about myself. </li>
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<li><b>Help someone else. </b>If the opportunity comes up, I try to help someone that is in need or want of help. This one can be tough because sometimes it's hard to make time to go out of your way to help someone. But when I can do this, I always feel better. It feels good to help someone and it takes the focus off of yourself. I usually end up seeing things in a much different way when I help someone else in their struggles and realize we all hurt and struggle in our lives. I don't feel so alone in mine.</li>
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<li><b>Exercise/make time for yourself.</b> Exercising is tough for me, it's a gamble because of my heart. Though my heart is healthy, it still operates like an old woman's heart and I guess it always will since I continue to get older too. I'm not saying I can't exercise at all but I have to be careful about what I do and when I do it. If I exercise in the morning--my best time since I have the most energy at that time---I tend to be all done in for the rest of the day and that's difficult when you still have a lot of "mom things" to do. But if I try to exercise in the afternoon or evenings, I've usually used up all my reserves or I'm too busy. So my exercise for now is taking the dogs for a walk, and even this helps a little. Exercise gives you happy endorphins. I used to exercise a lot and this was my main way of staving off depression.<br /><br />I also try to make some time for myself to do something on my own or just have quiet time. Sometimes this is all I need. I love to watch shows on Youtube because there's always something interesting to watch and the shows are usually short. Learning more about diabetes, or watching tornado videos relaxes me, as weird as that sounds. Just putting my focus on something other than wife, mom, and dog trainer duties. Something that has nothing to do with my life. </li>
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<li><b>Try to do at least one "religious" thing a day.</b> I have a hard time making time for God, and I'm always working on this. Rather than try to commit myself to a rosary--which can be difficult to find time for, as horrible as that sounds, I try to at least do one religious practice a day. Sort of like my "effort" to God. Compared to many out there, I know that this sounds kind of pathetic, and maybe it is. But I feel that this is where God wanted me to start, just one thing, something small and simple--yet sincere--that I can do. Like anything else that we start, we usually don't start off big, we start small. So for today, instead of waking up and checking email and social media like I normally do (a terrible way to start the day, like eating pizza in the morning), I said my Morning Offering. Not to say that I can't do more later on if I feel led to, but this was one thing I absolutely commited myself to doing, and it felt great. I intend to do this every day, and then hopefully slowly build up my spiritual life in time. We need God in our lives and it's so easy to say this but so hard to do. Admittedly, I am selfish with my time and very self-involved with my own life so it's easy to forget God during the day--so easy to go to Him only when we're having trouble with something. But God knows this and so He says, do one thing to remember Me during the day, and this effort alone will be enough. He will make my "one fish" stretch to many fish that will take care of my spiritual needs. Over time, I can muliply my fish.</li>
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<li><b>Focus on who you want to be, not on who you are.</b> If I focus on who I am right now, or where I am in my life, I only sink further in my depression. Too many failures and setbacks, too much reality. It looks very bleak and grim and even nearly impossible to do better when you already feel like a failure. But when I think on who I want to be--a Saint--this gives me hope. Why? Not because I think I have the makings to be a Saint, not because I think I'm holy enough to become a Saint, but because I already know that this is what God wants too. And if we both want it, then it becomes possible. Even if it feels impossible. I mean, I might as well want to be an Olympic gymnast when I have never done a successful cartwheel in my life. Or become an astronaut or the President. None of these goals are realistic or acheivable for me. But becoming a Saint is realistic and acheivable for me as well as everyone. To me, not becoming a Saint makes my life a waste. I can't imagine being happy in heaven if I haven't become a Saint on earth. I want this because I know it's possible, because I know it leads to ultimate happiness and it will bring me straight to heaven. I want this because it's possible, and that brings me hope. And hope brings me joy, which brings me out of depression.</li>
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So for now, this is what I do when I feel depressed. Again, I don't do everything on the list but I do at least do one or two of them and it does seem to help a lot. Sometimes, calling someone to talk helps too. But other times, it makes it worse, so that's why it's not on my list. :-) </div>
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And now, I need to go run an errand and get yapping dogs out of their kennels. I took a little "me time" to write out this list; using one of my strategies for coping with depression today. </div>
Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-37044391640339463412019-04-26T20:48:00.000-07:002019-04-26T20:48:55.459-07:00First illness since diabetes diagnosisFor the past two days, Max's numbers have been unusually high, in the upper 100s to mid 200s, even hitting 300s once. We thought it was because of Easter, but Max hasn't had any Easter candy since Easter (his own choice, we do allow it, as long as it's bolused.) But still, when everyone else has reported that their numbers have finally come back to normal since Easter, Max was still high. Then last night, he complained of a sore throat. That explained it!<br />
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I've been told that blood sugar will usually spike a day or two before symptoms come about but since I still thought this was from candy on Easter, it didn't occur to me that Max might be getting sick. Just a cold, and I am thankful for that. I have read in others posts about how kids with T1D have the flu, throwing up and can't keep anything down and have to go the hospital. It makes a cold seem almost trivial, but I've been warned that things can change very quickly and to keep an eye on his numbers regardless.<br />
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So I'm keeping an eye on it almost obsessively.<br />
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I called Endo and they told me to check for ketones. This is the first time I've had to use a ketone strip, sort of awkward when you have a teenage son! You have to pee on a strip but you can't pee on it too long or it can give you a false reading. Obviously standing there with Max while he pees on a stip doesn't work so we had him pee in a cup. Thank goodness for snack cups! Still kind of gross and awkward, but better than the alternative. It's easy enough to do that I'm going to teach him to do it on his own, but for this first time illness, I'm doing it for him, to make sure we're doing it right.<br />
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So far, so good. I think it says no ketones, or maybe just a trace, but I can't figure out which color it is. It's sort of right in the middle.<br />
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I called Endo and they want me to check for ketones twice a day. That's how quickly they can come up. This whole thing is weird. I mean, it's just a cold, and my head is saying, it's only a cold, no big deal. But the diabetes thing is saying, it's a big deal! This is about keeping your kid out of the hospital.<br />
Which is weird--because I keep thinking, it's just a cold! Even though it's not!<br />
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I am still transitioning, trying to absorb this new medical world of medical mumbo-jumbo that I don't know or care about--or didn't really need to worry about before diabetes, other than the occasional flu or illness. Now I have to care. And worry. Ok, I don't need to worry, but I have to have enough concern to not shrug it off or be lazy about it. It is a strange thing to me.<br />
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For Max, it's still pretty normal to him. I think this is because we haven't completely handed the reigns over to him. I would like to, and I do intend to (working on it!) but there are certain things he's in charge of with his diabetes, and certain things he isn't--yet.<br />
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For instance, when his numbers were high yesterday at school, the nurse knew he needed a correction but didn't know how much to give him. (Which is weird, because they have his chart but I think they forgot about it until I mentioned it to them.) While the nurse was mulling the problem over, Max suggested, "how about five units?"<br />
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He has said this to me as well. How about five units, he says, for...basically everything! Five units for this number and five units for that number. We looked up his number and it said to give him 3 units for the blood sugar he was currently at. So you can imagine why we hesitate to give him full control just yet. Five units....yikes. This is why I am still hesitant to put him on a pump. I can see him thinking, hmmm, how about 10 units? And punching it in.<br />
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Anyway, along with the ketones check, I have to give Max corrections every 3 hours (as needed.) Or give him something to eat and bolus him. Carbs, insulin, and fluids is the key to fighting down blood sugars. Very different from cough drops and fluids.<br />
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I can imagine next year, after having more experience with colds and stomach bugs that I will be looking back on this and wondering why I even blogged about this. But for now at this moment, firsts are still a scary thing, and there sure are a lot of them.<br />
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<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-73001545406213938502019-04-26T11:41:00.002-07:002019-04-26T11:44:03.534-07:00Jesus speaks loudlyI don't know about anyone else, but there are times in my life when I feel forgotten or unloved. That is it, plain and simple, I don't know any other way to put it (though I've been racking my brains to think of a way to not make it sound so whiny and pathetic.) I know we all go through times of loneliness or when it seems the whole world is too busy to notice or remember you. For me, the fear of dying without anyone really thinking anything of me is a fear of mine. Feeling like my life is not worth anything to anyone. I try hard not to dwell on those feelings, knowing that it's only going to lead in a downward spiral, but boy, it's hard to pull yourself out of it. And yes, spiritually speaking, it stems from pride. But you know what? I don't get much out of that truth because I can't do much about it. Pride is in all of us, a constant weakness. The best we can do is starve it. I believe that God allows me to be forgotten, overlooked or whatever, to starve that pride out of me. Not to say that no one cares--I know they do! But it is also true that at times in my life, it gets very lonely.<br />
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Feeling like this once again, I decided I was going to only focus on one thing: how much God loves me. Surprisingly, this actually did the trick; the loneliness and sadness went away in an instant. I have no idea why; if this was a grace from God or what. But normally when loneliness and depression comes, it hangs on for days, sometimes weeks and no matter how upbeat or positive I try to be, it is there, hanging over my head.<br />
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But the thought of how much Jesus loves me chased these dark thoughts and feelings away in an instant. It was almost as though it was a dark presence that left the room.<br />
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I went on with my day, but then later, again these dark thoughts and feelings came back. I tried again to focus on Jesus's great love for my soul as I did before but this time, the thoughts and feelings stayed.<br />
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When I went for my scheduled hour at adoration, I tried hard to open up to Jesus about all I was feeling. It felt like a complicated knot of emotions, not knowing what was real and not real, what was true of my life and relationships with others or just feelings of hurt. Suddenly I felt inspired to see if Jesus would speak to me in a book. I went to the back of the church where there were a pile of prayer books to choose from. I had my eye on one that looked appealing, but instead, I reached for another one that I would have passed up but I felt compelled to pick it up.<br />
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I opened it up and the very first thing I read was this:<br />
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<b>"I feel very compelled to tell you how much Jesus loves you..." </b><br />
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It was as though a zap went through my body, I felt like Jesus was watching me from where He sat on the altar, watching me read this love letter. I quickly scanned through to the end of the paragraph and saw that it was written by St.Mother Theresa. Reading on, I read how Mother Theresa wrote to her Sisters, explaining her desire that they know how much Jesus loves them all individually.<br />
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<b>"He loves you...."</b><br />
<b>"He longs for you...."</b><br />
<b>"He thirsts for you..."</b><br />
<b>"He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy..."</b><br />
<b>"When not accepted by others--even accepted by yourself---he accepts you..."</b><br />
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All these words were exactly the same ones I heard in my own soul earlier that morning, when the darkness was chased away. But now it was written out before me. And for further clarification, there was this:<br />
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<b>"The devil may try to use the hurts of life--and sometimes our own mistakes, to make you feel it is impossible that Jesus loves you, is really cleaving to you. This is a danger for all of us. And so sad, because it is the oppositite of what Jesus is really wanting, is waiting to tell you. Not only that He loves you, but even more--He longs for you." </b><br />
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I went back to my seat and took pictures with my phone of all these passages. I read and re-read the passage over and over, as much as I could, trying hard to believe all that was written. And I did believe. Not because I feel I am worthy but because I know God is love, it is impossible for Him not to love me. And this made me feel so good. It made me feel so loved. So worth it. And precious.<br />
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Even though I still have all these faults that annoy other people, or tendencies they don't like. The personality flaws that some of my family doesn't like. Jesus loves me. I wondered how I could live each day without pondering this. It's like starving myself of food and water. How can a peson live without knowing how much God loves them? No wonder there are so many suicides.<br />
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Jesus talked to me that day. Directly. A love note from Jesus. Telling me to get up and get this specific book, He had something for me to read. It was proof that He loves me. Not that He needed to prove it again, but maybe He did. But it was a gift. Very rarely does He speak so loudly. But when it comes to love, I think He doesn't just speak loudly. I think He shouts it.<br />
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<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-9963573365961105802019-04-18T14:41:00.002-07:002019-04-19T05:46:44.316-07:00A Sleepless nightEvery 10 days, we have to replace Max's decom with a new sensor or it will expire, so last night we inserted his last sensor. They only send 3 per package, which should last you a month. I'm telling you all these little details because it's important for the rest of the story.<br />
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So I inserted the last sensor on his arm--normally a pretty easy thing to do. You put the sensor on the back of his arm, sticky side down, press the button, and then it's inserted. However, this time, it began to fill up with blood.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHk43y29OG6JQ0RFM76yo22UNI3HmdNdMlMS6llFFyJM1uR-OSR9cMJzGSECMsa8KT28uW2T2ol8z5tvasNNpP61LWf3c3-S6rzoh3gcWUBwWJFPMmfamNm9n49IFusxOQYtebxCLIjdbW/s1600/20190417_202258.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHk43y29OG6JQ0RFM76yo22UNI3HmdNdMlMS6llFFyJM1uR-OSR9cMJzGSECMsa8KT28uW2T2ol8z5tvasNNpP61LWf3c3-S6rzoh3gcWUBwWJFPMmfamNm9n49IFusxOQYtebxCLIjdbW/s640/20190417_202258.jpg" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the sensor without the transmitter inserted yet.</td></tr>
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This was not good! I wasn't really sure what it meant or what just happened, all I knew was that it was the first time it ever bled when inserting into Max's arm.<br />
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I was worried it would get broken if we put the transmitter inside but at the same time, I didn't want to peel it off since it was our last sensor. If we took off his last sensor, it would mean he wouldn't get his new sensor for at least a week to ten days.<br />
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I was hoping the blood would stop on it's own, so kept the sensor on his arm and cleaned it out the best we could with an alcohol wipe. I put the transmitter in, hoping for the best. But, much to my dismay, I saw that blood had continued to seep out, this time *through* the sensor, and most likely into the transmitter.<br />
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First of all, I didn't realize a tiny hole could bleed so much . I must have hit a capillary, which can cause a lot of bleeding. Second, I was very nervous now that all this blood would defintely screw up the readings! I got online with my support group and told them what happened (which is why I took the picture--wasn't doing it for the blog!) and they assured me that as long as the blood didn't get into the sensory holes (the two dots inside the sensor where the transmitter inserts) that all would be ok. Well, I wasn't positive that the blood had gotten inside but I could only hope. We started up his receiver, entered in the information that a new sensor was in his arm, and it did it's usual warm up procedure, which was a good sign. I told Max goodnight and we all went to bed.<br />
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Next thing I knew, I got woken out of a dead sleep by Max throwing the door open, holding the reciever with it's bright backlight shining in my face and said, "I'm low!"<br />
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You have to understand something about Max. He never enters a room quietly. It doesn't matter if people are sleeping, or if it's dark and you can't see. He somehow manages to march everywhere he goes without stumbling in the dark. And when he opens a door, he doesn't just open it, he throws it open. This is all the time--night and day. And when he does remember to knock when he's reminded, he doesn't knock, he pounds. He doesn't do this on purpose, but he's stuck somewhere in his own head thinking about something and this can make every little thing he does very intense. Anyway, being woken up like this out of a dead sleep can be very startling. And irritating.<br />
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But lucky for him, his low number saved him another scolding of entering a room so loudly when everyone is sleeping. I was shocked to see it the lowest number we've ever seen--40. And yet, he was standing there wide awake and alert, not seeming to feel any effects of being that low.<br />
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Nonetheless, we took a finger stick to see what it was at, and it said he was 90. That's still not considered low, but considering that he woke up on his own to check his monitor probably means that he had dropped low at some point and his adrenaline woke him up. So I gave him a snack just in case he were to dip low in the middle of the night and bid him goodnight again.<br />
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About a half hour later, again, he stomped into my room, threw open the door and again said in usual buresque way, "I'm low!"<br />
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This time it was 54. What the heck? We did another fingerstick and it said he was 140. It was way off and I knew it was probably due to the blood seeping into the sensor. I didn't know what I could do about it though. I didn't want to turn off the alarms in the middle of the night--just in case he were to have a true low.<br />
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It happened two more times when the alarm woke Max up and then Max rudely woke me up. He was getting more and more annoyed about his Dexcom going off claiming "Urgent Low" and "Dropping Fast--action needed" which meant he was getting louder and louder with stomping in the house.<br />
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The last time it happened it was 2:00 in the morning. I seriously didn't know what to do about this. I felt bad for Max because he had barely gotten any sleep all night but I was still hesitant to take his Dexcom off completley, which is the only thing that I could do. (If you shut down a sensor in the middle of it's 10 day session, you cannot restart it unless you have a new one, which we didn't.) It again kept claiming that he was "dropping fast" and in the low 50s. We checked his sugar again with a finger stick and it was at 150, which meant it was 200 points off.<br />
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I ended up calibrating it, which is a no-no to do when it is low (it's claimed that if you calibrate when the Dexcom is low it can screw up the numbers) but I didn't know what else I could do. It was doing no good being 200 points off.<br />
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I felt bad, but I left the finger poker with Max and told him that if it went off again, to just check his blood and if it was normal, to go back to sleep.<br />
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But then I couldn't sleep because I was worried, what Max truly <i>was</i> low and he was dropping fast from 150? The Dexcom can catch a low long before your body can, and it's not unusual to drop from somewhere as high as 150 all the way down to the 50s and 40s. Then my imagination led me to scary images of stories that I heard of parents finding their children in the morning, in a diabetic coma and covered in vomit.<br />
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So what did I do? I stomped downstairs and threw open the door (though I was trying to be quiet, but my anxiety made me frantic) and woke Max up. Poor Max, he had just gotten back to sleep too. But I had to recheck his blood if I was going to get any sleep at all. It dropped to 120, which seemed like a big drop in a short time but I refused to let it bother me too much or else neither one of us would get any sleep. I said goodnight and went back to bed and dreamed of Max stomping in my room, thrusting his Dexcom into my face and saying, "It says I'm diabetic!"<br />
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"That's because you <i>are</i> diabetic," I told him sleepily. That dream slipped away and a new one came, I was holding the Dexcom handbook, trying to read the "Trouble-shooting" chapter of when your Dexcom fills up with blood. (There is no such problem in the actual handbook, though I did look. My dream was more helpful than real life.)<br />
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In the morning, I was relieved to find Max just fine but not happy to find out that his Dexcom had given up trying to revive Max and presumed him dead, thus, ending it's session with him. Yes, the Dexcom seemed to come to this conclusion, saying "cannot get reading from sensor" and just gave up on him. How morbid. And so, as I sat on hold with the Dexcom customer support to figure out what to do next, Max surprised me when he said, "It's working now." He had been sitting on the couch in a sleepy state, just watching me as I was sitting on hold forever. "What? When did that happen?" I asked. "About a half hour ago," he told me in his usual casual way.<br />
"And I've been sitting on hold all this time?!" I hung up.<br />
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So since the Dexcom had lost contact with Max's body, it somehow now made new contact, or else was thinking it did. It was very strange to say in the least. It now said that Max was 140, which a normal number for him. We double-checked to compare it with a finger stick. Much to our surprise, the finger stick said Max was 101! So now the Dexcom was running high, while Max's blood sugar was actually a bit low. I thought it might be "catching up" after losing signal for a while, so left it alone for a bit and the next time we checked it, it was 160 and Max was 90. So now we were going in the opposite direction.<br />
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My new concern was now that the Dexcom would give a false high, which could lead to the school nurses giving Max a correction when his body didn't really need one, which could make him drop to a dangerous low. See what a mind game all this is?? You always have to think one or two steps ahead!<br />
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I ended up getting back on the phone with Dexcom customer support, who told me to take the sensor and reciver off. It had malfunctioned because of the blood, they said, and it would just continue to give us bad readings all day. They would send us a new one within the next few days.<br />
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So for now, Max is back to just fingersticks, doing it the "old fashoioned way", and I have to say that I'm surprised by how dependent we've become on the Dexcom. And wouldn't you know, Max ran low while at school. Just by dumb luck--or by the grace of God, I should say--he happened to check his blood sugar because he was going to have ice cream. He didn't even know he was low, as his body gave him no symptoms. That's the beauty of the Dexcom, to be better prepared for a low.<br />
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And so are the experiences of the type 1 diabetes, the disease with never-ending suprises with its roller coaster of real-life highs and lows. The longer we're on this ride, the more confusing it gets.<br />
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<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-47297589143339134982019-04-14T15:34:00.000-07:002019-04-14T15:47:28.911-07:00Rhemy the Racing DogRight now, I'm training my first Greyhound. I have never trained a Greyhound before, much less even been around one! I've only seen them on racetracks (on TV) but that's about it.<br />
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This Greyhound's name is Rhemy. She is a super sweet, mellow dog. If you want a mellow, not super-active dog, Greyhounds are your thing. They are also good apartment dogs, even though they are so long and take up a lot of space, because they're so quiet! A big misconception, because everyone assumes since they were bred for racing, that they must have tons of energy.<br />
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But actually, they just need one sprint a day at a dog park or somewhere were they can run free and they're done for the day. "Done" as in sleeping. They don't instantly recharge like other dogs do. They also don't really bark very much, so that makes them ideal as well. They are just content to hang around with you.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rhemy loves blankets and pillows.</td></tr>
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Rhemy came from China, where she raced in dog races. I don't really know what happened there, she seems well socialized and it doesn't seem like she was abused, although I'm sure as a race dog, they expected a lot from here.<br />
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We found numbers inside her ear. Reading up more on it, I learned that this is how they make sure they have the correct dog for the race--they tattoo it inside their ear. Can't help but wonder why tags wouldn't be enough?<br />
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She is also very skinny--even for a Greyhound. This poor dogs' ribs are sticking out and she has patches of fur missing due to alopecia. She was in a kennel a lot in China and they said alopecia is so common that they call it "kennel alopecia."<br />
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Her breath--I hate to say it--but it's the worst I've ever smelled and that's saying a lot because Ace has horrendous breath. She has a few teeth that are rotting (they're going to be removed soon) so that is why her breath stinks so bad. But in spite of all this, she is still a super sweet dog and the kids love her.<br />
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Anyway, Rhemy is an interesting dog. I've never worked with a dog like her. I'm so used to hyper dogs and having to be very assertive. Not with this dog! Greyhounds have an extremely sensitive temperment. Article after article cautions to be very patient with training and to never resort to yelling or impatience. You can get away with that with most dogs, but with Greyhounds, you can cause fear-aggression.<br />
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And it's true--wtih Rhemy, I don't need to do more than a "Uh-uh!" and that's it. She immediately puts her ears back and stops.<br />
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You might be wondering why she's here for training since she seems like such a perfect dog already.<br />
Well, she might have a great temperment, but she doesn't know a thing. Not one command. Not "sit" "down" or "come". Not even her own name.<br />
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She has no sense of awareness. Her socialization has been very minimal--to dogs and people only. New situations--very little. Stairs--very little. (She was like a colt trying to climb our stairs.) Body awareness--none! She will stand in your way and won't "get the hint" and back off even if you are walking right into her space whereas most dogs are very sensitive about their space.<br />
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And their training capability is vey low. This is due to them being so sensitive and independent. They get bored easily and so training is hard to keep going. If you are starting to get frustrated with them, they shut down. And their independence of just wanting to hang out with you but not necessarily "work for you" makes it frustrating.<br />
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This may be the first dog that I won't be able to train.<br />
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So I'm focusing instead on building a friendship with her. If I can get her to bond with me, hopefully she will want to listen to me, and then I can establish rules with her. (She also counter-surfs--she is so tall.) If I can do this, I can hopefully encourage her new owners to just build a good relationship with her and hopefully just go from there.<br />
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So that is what I've been doing lately. Here is short 2 minute video if you want to see a Greyhound run!<br />
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<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/i9e3xlqmR0U" width="560"></iframe>
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In other news, (not quite as interesting), Max's "lows" have been getting better. His doctor has switched his dose so that he's not getting as much insulin. Since then, he hasn't been having as many lows and there are some meals that he doesn't even need to dose for--which he loves!<br />
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I found out that his school is not teaching him any math (Max says he and the teachers decided to "give it up") which I can't really talk about because it makes me too upset. He still doesn't know how to multiply or divide. They were supposed to work on counting carbs with him but apparently they don't have time.<br />
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So this is something I'm trying to work on with him. He uses his calculator which still isn't like doing the "real" math, but for now, I'm letting him use the calculator. We write out what he wants to eat and then write out the carbs and then he adds it together. But I have to admit it feels like we're taking a step backwards; it takes a lot of time. Sometimes it doesn't feel worth it and I feel frustrated with how long it takes.<br />
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But what am I going to do--count his carbs forever? This is his disease, his body, so he's got to learn how to manage it.<br />
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<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-54006335350116100992019-04-12T08:09:00.003-07:002019-04-12T08:15:23.311-07:00What I want is not what He wantsGod always gives me the opposite of what I want. When I want to be remembered, He lets me be forgotten. When I was to be understood, He allows me to be misunderstood. When I want to be surrounded by people, He lets me be alone.<br />
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Yesterday, I was supposed to help someone who was in need. I agreed to help because I really was the only one who was able to do it but I didn't want to. I prayed for a way out.<br />
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We woke up to a snowstorm and hollowing winds. I was so scared of going out in that storm that my hands were trembling with fear. I refused to go alone. I told God, "if you want me to do this (to help this person), you have to send someone with me." I asked a couple people for help, but they weren't able to. So I said to Dennis, "You're coming with me, and the kids are coming too." I fully expected him to say no, because he wasn't the one who could help this person, and I also knew that going out to do this favor would inconvenience his plans for the day. To my surprise, he said, "Ok, but we're not taking the van, we're taking the truck or else we'll wind up in a ditch."<br />
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When we were on our way, the weather got so bad that it was white out conditions and we were crawling on the highway. I said to Dennis, "I think we should head back." But he said, "No, we can do this." And on we went. We didn't get out of it. And I'm thankful for that, because this person truly did need the help.<br />
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Before leaving this person's house, she asked if it would be possible for me to come help her again the next day, which is today. Of course, I said yes, but inside, I was dreading having to go back. I felt really bad and selfish for feeling this way, but I couldn't help it.<br />
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Last night, she called to let me know it looked like she would need my help for sure because her regular helper didn't like traveling in snow. I thought this was a terrible reason but of course I kept that to myself. I just told her to let me know if she needed me and I would come.<br />
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This morning, I resigned myself to helping no matter what. I saw it was snowing and that this woman would probably need help so I got myself ready to go. As I was about to go out the door, the woman called and said that her regular helper showed up even though it snowed. I was actually a little disappointed that I wasn't needed. I was ready for good conversation and feeling good about helping someone in need.<br />
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It didn't surprise me too much that things changed so quickly because it seems that that is how God works in my life. He never really lets me have what I desire.. Which I guess means that I desire the wrong things or that I'm attracted to things that aren't good for me. Which also means that God looks out for the good of my soul and is always allowing me a little suffering (or a lot) to keep me on track. If I got everything I wanted, I'm not sure I would be set bound for heaven. I know I can't fly my own plane and keep on course without God to steer the plane for me. But still, it's hard sometimes. I struggle with loneliness especially during the times of missing my former friends. I used to have a social life years ago, but that was before I truly lived my Catholic faith and I got too "religious" for them. Things got awkward and pretty soon, I wasn't included in the circle of our friends as much or invited to go out. After a while, we just let things go naturally. But I do miss them from time to time. Our views were different but we had fun together. They were good people and fun to be around.<br />
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In my heart, I know my struggle will end when I totally surrender to God, when I want what He wants. When I actively seek His will every day. But as St.Augustine said, "My heart is restless until it rests in You, O Lord" and I too, find myself restless. But hopefully one day, I will learn how to rest in Him, to not longer resist what He wants or find a way for my own happiness. Hopefully that's what we all will learn to do. Or we're never going to be truly happy.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-3064690370435065882019-04-09T19:50:00.001-07:002019-04-09T19:58:11.561-07:00UnPlanned--you've got to go see it!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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For the first time ever, I wish more people read my blog. But I think I know of maybe two people that actually read it. I saw the movie UnPlanned today and it was very good! So you two people that read this blog, go see it if you haven't already!<br />
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(And if you are thinking "I'm already prolife, I don't need to see it", who cares-- then at least go see it to support the movie.)<br />
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I have read the book and also follow Abby Johnson on Facebook. When I read her story, it was shortly before I found out I was pregnant with Henry. It was something I needed to read because I had no idea what I was going to face. Alhough I never really considered having an abortion, I felt pressured by some (a few unsupportive friends, a doctor or two) to have one. It was an unhappy pregnancy, unfortunately. People can be cruel.<br />
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Anyway, that book really helped solidify what I already knew: that I was prolife. But reading Abby's book, reading that horrible part about the abortion, made me all the more sickened about the evils of abortion. I have never wanted to hear the gory details about abortion, I didn't feel that I needed to hear it--I was already against abortion. But as Abby Johnson said in one of her talks one day: "You owe it to these babies to hear the details of their death." And I couldn't avoid it.<br />
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I saw it in the movie. I was really surprised they showed this part. Many people that saw the movie say that there's nothing graphic in the movie. Um, yes there is, there is baby being sucked through a cannula and then the bloody remains are shown in the cannister. And then there is another part, of her in the shower, bleeding huge blood clots as the remains of her pregnancy slides down her legs. That is very graphic!<br />
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But I'm not criticizing the movie. I think they had to show these things. Because as they said in the movie (a PP worker to Abby): "You will cramp and bleed just a little bit, but it will be gentle." And this movie is about exposing all the lies of Planned Parenthood.<br />
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But the part where they sucked the baby out of the womb...during that part, the entire theater was silent. Normally you hear people munching on their snacks or whispering to one another throughout the whole movie. But not at this part. It was completely silent.<br />
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I was one of those people trying to avoid the screen, but I heard all the noise; the sucking noise and the "whoosh" of the baby as it was whisked away. I took my hands off my face to do a quick lookaround to see what other people's reactions was, and EVERYONE had a horrified, pained look on their face. No one moved, whispered or anything. No one ate their popcorn or slurrped from their pop like they had just a few moments before. I had been eating my favorite movie food: nachos with cheese and I literally lost my appetite as I'm assuming everyone else did as well. We all just sat there with our snacks in our hands.<br />
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I knew about this part, I read about it in the book, I heard about it in Abby's talks. But to see it--even though we knew it was only animation, but realizing that this is pretty much how it looks--it was painful, hurtful to see. The baby fought to stay away from the needle, just like Abby said. And it was just so horrible to sit and watch with popcorn and pop.<br />
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The movie was well done. I had my doubts, as I always do with low budget films, but they did really well. The acting was well done and the script was good. They stayed true to the story. And I guess the biggest thing is that if you already consider yourself prolife, then you walk away knowing all the more *why* your prolife. And if you aren't prolife, then maybe you will consider becoming prolife. Because I don't know how anybody can watch this movie and not come out at least reconsidering their views.<br />
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So, my two readers, go see this movie. It is good and well done. And pay attention to the people around you. You never know. The person sitting right next to you with pop and popcorn may just be someone that may have been considering having an abortion, and may hopefully change her mind.<br />
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<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-64759494150153493202019-04-08T07:33:00.001-07:002019-04-08T09:14:50.239-07:00Home imrpovement project: a new roof (and hopefully a new front porch soon!)Again, it's been a while since I've done a home improvement post. So I have one for you, though not very exciting. A new roof.<br />
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It's probaby exciting to Dennis though, because he's been talking about the need to get a new roof put on since we moved in here. But new roofs cost money and so it got put on hold for a long time.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's weird to see people perched on top of your house</td></tr>
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Joey is unsure of what to think of all the noise.<br />
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Off the subject, now that we are getting our new roof, I'm on Dennis's case to get the ball moving on getting a front porch on the front of the house. It needs it. Doesn't it look like something is missing or something forgot to be added onto the front of the house??<br />
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This is something I wanted the minute I saw the house. I knew cosmetic stuff would have to come last since the house was in such bad shape inside--and then on the outside, Dennis insisted that before we do cosmetic stuff, we have to get a new roof on.<br />
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Well, now we have a new roof (or will have one, in the few hours hopefully.) So now I'm insisting on my new porch.<br />
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He brought up: "What about code restrictions?"<br />
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I said, "We'll figure it out!"<br />
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He said, "what if the city doesn't allow front porches?" (which is dumb but it can happen, apparently.)<br />
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I said, "We'll ask."<br />
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He said, "We really should get a central air conditioning uniit installed first...."<br />
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I said, "We're getting a front porch!!!!"<br />
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I have been (mostly) waiting patiently for six years. It's MY turn.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Goodbye, nasty ol' shingles</td></tr>
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The front porch probably won't happen until next year, although I would love it to happen now. But with the new roof being put on, we don't have the money. (Next years tax rebate will hopefully go to the front porch.) But I'm at least going to have someone come out and give us an estimate so we can start budgeting.<br />
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We also need to repair our back balcony, another project that's been put off for years. It is literally rotting and the dogs have been chewing holes through the floor.<br />
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But today we're getting a new roof put on. That's at least one thing crossed off our list of things to do, six years and waiting.<br />
<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-32223349342653739712019-04-07T11:32:00.001-07:002019-04-07T11:32:09.101-07:00The downside of the "support groups"--too much emotion! So this diabetes journey truly is sort of a lonely venture...and it's not even really my disease. You have to have the disease (or be a caretaker for the person who has it) to truly "get it" and that's not to imply that those who do not have T1D are not sensitive....but it's just they can't relate and so that is one part that gets lonely.<br />
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The other part is the people that tend to truly think of this disease as such a cross. Although sometimes of course, it can be a cross and a suffering. But like anything out there that challenges us, it can be difficult and lonely.<br />
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I left one support group and joined another. This is my 3rd group that I have tried out. I still feel in need of one, however, not for emotional reasons. Only for information. They are good resources for the questions you have while you are waiting for your next appointment. Google takes too long to do research and sometimes doesn't even answer your questions. But the group does, so in that way, it's helpful.<br />
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The way it's not helpful is how so many people are so EMOTIONAL over their T1D children. Ugh, I do get it, at least I think I do. But the amount of anger and emotion is really hard to listen to. One lady posted an angry post how she felt that other parents should be more courteous of her T1D daughter and not send cupcakes to school for birthdays since her daughter can't have cupcakes (which she can, I'm not sure why she just doesn't bolus for it??) She wanted to send each parent a letter asking them to not send carb snacks for birthdays. If I did something like that, that would be social suicide. Why on earth would you set yourself up for that? Or for your kid???<br />
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Another lady posted a very angry post (against diabetes) saying "F---- Diabteses, F---- what they do to our kids..." and on and on she went. I wondered what on earth happened to make her so angry. Reading on, it sounded like her 4 year old was throwing a fit over having to insert the Dexcom (it has to be replaced every 10 days.)<br />
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Well, I'm not saying Dexcom's are easy to wear, (although I hear that pumps are much harder to wear as they do actually hurt when inserted), they do insert with a needle, afterall, and I'm sure it's a little more difficult for the younger children to understand. But from what I've heard (and seen with Max) is that the Dexom barely hurts. And I don't mean to be insensitive to this child, but I couldn't help thinking of how my kids have thrown a fit over having to eat food they didn't like, or take a nap when they didn't want to...and I didn't sit there thinking, "F---- childhood! It makes our children suffer so much when they have to do what they don't want!"<br />
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I had just commented on a post when someone complained of their school nurse helping too much with her daughter's diabetes. A bunch of people actually applauded this nurse and I chimed in with saying that it sounded like the nurse was a little "over-zealous" and just really wanted to help her child, but should of course be respecting the parents wishes for how fast they wanted their daughter to become independent.<br />
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Oddly enough, out of all the comments on there (over 70 of them), this commenter got on my case for "defending" the nurse, saying that regardless of her intentions, this nurse overstepped her boundaries and so on. Even though i pretty much had said the same thing, she just didn't like that it came off like I was defending the nurse.<br />
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So much drama!<br />
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This is the stuff that ends up making me leave, the crazy emotional upheaval that comes with people. I know we are all different, come from different places and everything. But I don't want to fall into that sort of thinking. I don't want to be angry or depressed. I do not want to fall into self-pity. It would be so easy to do. I would gladly be done with a support group--and hopefully that day is coming soon--but I still need their help from time to time.<br />
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Anyway, this post is just a vent. Things with Max are going fine--great, even. He still has been falling a bit low every day, but nothing horrible (just 70s.)<br />
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I am teaching him to count his own carbs but this is a work in progress. Not to say Max can't do it but he gets overwhelmed easily. And the more food he has, the more carbs he has to count. Sometimes it's just easier to do it yourself, but it's good that he learns to be independent.<br />
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I can't wait for the day when we will feel pretty self-sufficient with diabetes and can handle everything on our own (with the exception of the doctor of course.) And I hope that some of these very angry people will eventually find peace with their diagnosis.<br />
<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-70412478815449773212019-04-05T06:51:00.000-07:002019-04-05T06:59:47.254-07:00Serving our family and living our vocation--not always easy! I always start off well with my Lent and then slack in the middle, then feel like I'm barely making it to the end. My good efforts are sporatic and are only there when I get a pang of guilt for failing on what I was supposed to give up or realizing that I haven't been doing well with prayer and almsgiving. If I could come up with one word to describe Lent, it would be: painful. It is painful to see how badly I live the Christian life.<br />
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It is also painful to see how badly I live my vocation. This is what came to mind during adoration yesterday, as I was struggling with my restlessness to be there. Vocation of wife and mother. I realized I don't even think of it as my vocation but as a job or duty.<br />
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When I think of "vocation" I tend to think of priests, nuns and brothers. They seem like they have a vocation, not me. Their life is set apart from the world, organized in a way that makes it possible to live a holy life. Not mine.<br />
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My goal in life is to take care of my family and yet somehow not kill them. I'm supposed to be an example of virtue (how to be patient, how to deal with stress, that sort of thing) but I've done anything but that. How many times have my kids seen me get impatient with them, snap at them, snap at my husband, even at times, throw things that are in my way. I have shown them how to be stressed, not patient. My life is not at all organized though I wish it were and I have tried hard to organize it by priority. It feels impossible, quite frankly.<br />
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All I have are desires but no good works to show for it. I have emptiness but perhaps not so empty that God can fill me up. There are still blocks and barriers in my soul, things I haven't given over completely to God that is making it difficult to be filled with His peace. This is my Lent this year. Painful.<br />
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As I sat there in that hard pew, in that really silent church, wondering how on earth I was supposed to live the life of a Mother Theresa in the Arganbright household (like trying to fit a square into a circle), I said (in my heart): "Here I am, Lord. Your servant is listening." I've heard this in a Bible verse, not sure where, but it seemed like the thing to say.<br />
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But then I thought, am I truly a servant? Am I truly willing to serve?<br />
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Again, that desire of wishing I were a willing servant but knowing that I'm not. Maybe this is why I struggle with thinking of my life as a true vocation, because I haven't been thinking of it in that way.<br />
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Always wanting to be straight with God, I said, "Ok. Here I am Lord. I'm listening." But this didn't sound right either.<br />
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The Bible verse came to mind:<br />
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<span class="text Matt-25-35" id="en-NIV-24044" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-24044A" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-24044A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span> <span class="text Matt-25-36" id="en-NIV-24045" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">36 </span>I needed clothes and you clothed me,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-24045B" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-24045B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> I was sick and you looked after me,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-24045C" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-24045C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> I was in prison and you came to visit me.’<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-24045D" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-24045D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></div>
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<span class="text Matt-25-37" id="en-NIV-24046" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">37 </span>“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?</span><span class="text Matt-25-38" id="en-NIV-24047" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">38 </span>When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?</span> <span class="text Matt-25-39" id="en-NIV-24048" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">39 </span>When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’</span></div>
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<span class="text Matt-25-40" id="en-NIV-24049" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">40 </span>“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ (Matthew 23: 35-40)<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-24049E" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-24049E" title="See cross-reference E">E</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></div>
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Yes, my life is a vocation and the verse above is how to live it as such, to be a servant to my family. In this, I will find peace and joy. </div>
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But when kids are throwing fits because they don't want to go to school or husbands are getting in the way because they informed you they are taking the day off of work, thus ruining your only day to yourself (Fridays are usually my "day off" from my family, when everyone is at work and school) it is hard to find peace and joy in that. To me, this means more work. More serving. This is not always fun! </div>
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It will be a process of learning to serve, I know. I don't yet appreciate the work in serving and that's why I haven't yet found the joy. I still struggle with wanting time by myself, wanting my routine to always stay the same. Sometimes kids, dogs and yes, the husband, screw it up by asking or wanting more of your time, for whatever reason. It is here where serving truly becomes serving, but I struggle with it.</div>
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My vocation: </div>
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<b>"When I was hungry, you fed me"</b> -- feeding my family three meals a day. Not always easy, not always fun. Sometimes frustrating, especially when they don't like or appreciate you made for them. </div>
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<b>"When I was thirsty, you gave me to drink." </b>Of course, here I'm thinking of all the glasses I constantly have to wash, an annoying chore, when the kids say they are "thirsty" but they actually mean juice, not water, which means I have to "make more juice" (we do Crystal Light, the real stuff is too expensive.) But maybe Jesus was also talking about the spiritual needs of our soul and taking the time to tend to them. Making time to pray, teaching about love and mercy. Encouraging the kids to remember God in their day. And probably the hardest for me, to be that example that I know I'm called to be, of love and mercy. Taking a deep breath when I feel like screaming, saying a prayer, and showing my kids "this is how we act when we feel frustrated" or "this is how we act when someone is being hurtful."</div>
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<b>"I was a stranger and you invited me in." </b>This is an endless opportunity for me to listen to my kids problems, listen to Dennis's plans for the day or ask about his day at work. I usually am a good listener, but sometimes I am not willing to listen. Sometimes I feel too tired to listen or even care. There are times I know God is asking me to listen to my family, to take care of their emotional and spiritual needs. This is an area I have felt prompted to work on many times; to put down the phone or turn off the computer and "invite" my family into my "personal space", to listen to them and be there for them. Not just take care of their physical needs.</div>
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<b>"I needed clothes and you clothed me"</b> Haha, this is almost too obvious. Loads of laundry to put away. I abhore laundry. I avoid it. And so the pile keeps growing. </div>
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Maybe Jesus was talking in a deeper, more spiritual need. It seems that clothes are used quite a lot for symbolism in the bible. But maybe He just simply meant it in the literal sense as well. Anyway, I know where I'm slacking and so yes, I can think of the endless chore of laundry as a way of meeting the needs of my family, to make sure they are clothed well. Not just comfortbale enough, but also decent. (I am thinking of the pants that Luke wore to school today that had a huge tear in the knee. I told him to change, but he said he didn't have any clean clothes, ahem.)</div>
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<b>"I was sick and you looked after Me." </b>I am pretty good in this area, at least, I am at first. But after a while, when a sickness doesn't just hit one person, but goes through the long line of people in your family--or hits everyone at once and everyone is miserable--I am not so good anymore. I get tired of the sickness, the germs, the duration of whatever disease they happen to have. I get tired of the whining and complaining. I feel sick and tired myself. Just this past week, I had Henry home for a cold. He'd go to school but then the next day, he would be not feeling well enough to go. And I think the "not feeling well" but not truly sick is almost harder, in a way. The kids may not be well enough to make it through an entire day of school but not sick enough to not be a bother at home. In fact, the "not feeling well" usually makes my kids tired and cranky and I find myself having to find a way to entertain them or cheer them up. This can get tiresome when you were hoping for a day to yourself to either catch up on cleaning, run some errands, or just simply have a day to yourself. Yes, the "serve the sick" is full of opportunities to be charitable, but hard to do.</div>
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<b>"I was in prison and you visted Me." </b>There are many types of prisons, not necessarily the one that most of us try hard to avoid where we are literally behind bars. There is the Prison of Discourgment, the Prison of Depression, The Prison of Self-Pity, and even the Prison of Narcissism. When the kids or Dennis enter into any of these prisons, it is hard to wait it out with them, to not abandon them. It is difficult to be patient when someone is being difficult or doesn't know they are hurting you. It's difficult to have the charity to love and understand that person when they are in their prison. Sometimes, I even find myself thinking that they didn't get into that prison all by themselves. Maybe they deserve to be there. </div>
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But of course, I have my own prisons and I know how lonely it is to be going through a difficult time and to not have anyone understand you or being waiting for you when you finally break free. I do try to wait it out with people, but it's hard.</div>
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Well, in a nutshell, this is how I realized that I <i>do</i> have a vocation, that I <i>am</i> called to serve, and that God has already prioritized and organized it all out for me. Now I just have to do it. </div>
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Before leaving my hour, I said, "Speak Lord, your servant is listening." Yes, I am a servant called to serve God through my family. I can do this. I can! </div>
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It is what we're all called to do and our perfect path to heaven. If we can do this, to serve with love, we will be the Mother Theresa to our family. We can be Christ to one another. </div>
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It's not just a nice thing to say when we're feeling down. It's what we are called to do.</div>
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<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-37124059771778347382019-04-02T20:53:00.001-07:002019-04-02T20:55:51.165-07:00Another scary lowIt's late and I need to go to bed, but what a day!<br />
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We've had another interesting turn in Max's diabetes. We keep being told that this is all pretty normal in the beginning, all these little issues that come up. Here I thought that the beginning (the honeymoon period) was supposed to be the easy part but it hasn't seemed like it!<br />
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So basically Max has been running low for a few days. He would have at least one low a day (anything under 80) but the weird thing is that he would get his "low" after eating. Ok, this is very weird and very undiabetes-like! Honestly, if he hadn't had those crazy highs before diagnosis, I would be wondering if Max was truly diabetic afterall.<br />
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Usually, when we eat, our blood sugar goes up but our insulin kicks in to control it. For diabetics, of course, they need insulin, but it does take a little bit for it to kick in, so it's not unusual to see the blood sugar spike up in the 200s and then slowly come down.<br />
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Well, these past two days, Max has actually had a low after taking his insulin. He ate his lunch at school the other day, and his Dexcom beeped saying he was 72. He went to the nurse, who was baffled, because the blood sugar should have been going up, not down.<br />
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Then today, it happened again. About a half hour after lunch, he came upstairs saying his Dexcom was saying he was 68 and falling fast (with a downward arrow meaning falling.) I gave him a 4 oz juice box and it kept falling. Then Skittles, then another glass of juice. It fell all the way to 52 and that is when Max begins to get clammy and sweaty. We realized that his body is tolerant only until about the 50s and then it begins to get very uncomfortable for Max. When he's in the 40s, he becomes nauseas. He hasn't been lower than 40 so we don't know what would happen if he hit the 30s. Anyway, you get the idea, so it was very scary!<br />
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I got on the phone with the Children's Diabetes to see if they could help and as we were talking on the phone, Max's blood sugar SLOWLY came back up. It took forever. I finally sent him downstairs when he was 76, which is still technically low, but it was taking so long for it to come back up and he was feeling a lot better, so I let him go but told him to come back if it began to drop again.<br />
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Anyway, the nurses changed his Basal (long-acting insulin) down to two units and then his bolus insulin another two units down. So altogether, he should be taking four units less of insulin. Let's hope that does the trick!<br />
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They said his body is "honeymooning", which means that it is producing more insulin than normal, causing him to "over-dose" himself. The problem is, we never know how much his body is going to produce, so it's a guessing game. It could go back to just trickling or it could go back to spurting, which is what it was doing for the past few days.<br />
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Honestly, these lows scare me and it took a lot for me to not let Max see how scared I was. My hands were shaking and every so often I thought I was going to lose it. Not seeing his blood sugar come back up after all that juice and sugar and just see it continue to plummet, I can't even explain it. You feel so helpless. I was between trying to figure out if I should call 911 or give him the emergency glucogon. They say you get used to this sort of thing, but I don't see how.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-3337533063963055512019-04-02T11:22:00.001-07:002019-04-02T11:22:34.666-07:00A happy moment <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaAk8DBRpa5ykc2AsCDgDiVKL0Iop9zjzFzHrhPMeCRh6K3cxnjAnYAdwEyZieKG8BFVszxgYCVVkORZfi_t92FD46N_eOXpP0kvGq8cLKf-DoKQt6I9ERppn3YzwiJg04eGyd20i_9U14/s1600/20190401_205239.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaAk8DBRpa5ykc2AsCDgDiVKL0Iop9zjzFzHrhPMeCRh6K3cxnjAnYAdwEyZieKG8BFVszxgYCVVkORZfi_t92FD46N_eOXpP0kvGq8cLKf-DoKQt6I9ERppn3YzwiJg04eGyd20i_9U14/s640/20190401_205239.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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Yesterday morning, I had a very honest talk with God. Without going into it all, I'll just say that a lot of it was about discouragement and disappointment. I sometimes feel discouraged that we aren't where I would like us to be spiritually, that some of the kids struggle with their faith. That we have slacked in our prayer life. That we have even slacked in our grace before meals, something that we've never done. I resolved to do better, with God's help. But my spirits were still low.<br />
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And then last night, on the way to my bedroom, I saw Anna holding her crucifix while lying in bed. She stayed like that for a long time, looking at the crucifix. I discreetly took a picture, because this to me, was a beautiful thing to see and I just wanted "proof" I guess, that I didn't imagine it.<br />
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He works in our hearts when we don't know it. And He works in our kids hearts without always telling us. .But He wanted to show me last night, that He is very active in their hearts, even if we aren't always active in His.<br />
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This morning I mentioned to Anna that I saw her holding her crucifix and I asked her what she was doing with it. She answered that she was talking to Jesus about some of her troubles at school, asking for help in dealing with it.<br />
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"I like to look at my crucifix when I pray," she added.<br />
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What a happy moment this was for me. I'm sure there are a lot of parents out there who have kids with a close relationship with God but today I wasn't focused on them; I wasn't going to ruin it by comparing our progress with someone else's. Today I was just happy to see that, yes, God is very much aware of our struggles and very much involved in helping us along in our journey. We aren't alone in this. I forget this often, or at least find it easy to believe that we are alone. Humanly speaking, it's hard to believe He would want to stick around for us when we have slacked so often. But He reminds me much of a parent that waits for their lagging child while on a walk. While the child wanders around in distraction, the parent always stops and waits, coaxing their child to "hurry up". The parent might get impatient with waiting (although God doesn't), but the parent always waits.<br />
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<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-21478993217636068752019-03-30T07:15:00.003-07:002019-03-30T07:19:56.743-07:00Head spinningHaving ADD is like this: focus on an object in a room and then spin around in a circle for 30 seconds. Stop, and try to point your finger and keep it on that object while the room is still spinning. This is what ADD is like for me.<br />
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It hit me today, after another really chaotic morning breakfast, that I need ADD meds. I pray every night for "the grace" or whatever it takes, to be a cheerful person to be around in the mornings. But every day---every single day---it is the same. I am not cheerful. I am irritated.<br />
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I want to be a good mom and someone that is easy to be around. But I'm not. Every morning, it is the same scenereo of chaos and confusion. It's like Groundhog Day over and over.<br />
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I get up, say a prayer, start off with a smile, and end up in near-tears. By the time everything is done, I am dizzy, have a headache and am exhausted. I want to offer it up like the saints do, isn't that how they become holy? I remind myself that holiness is not an act, sainthood is not a role played; it is a process and there will be bumps--probably many--in the road of transformation. But every day is the same and I can't change. How did the saints do it??<br />
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And then it just hit me out of the blue: I need ADD meds.<br />
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See, anyone could have told me this (Dennis comes to mind, he says it often), but I would have rebuffed them because that's what I've always done when it comes to ADD medication. Just live with it, is what I've always said about myself. In some ways, I guess there was a pride there in being tough enough to handle it. But when it comes to my kids taking them--Max and Luke specifically--I am all for it. "They need it" is usually what I tell myself. I know what it's like to be on the other side of someone with ADD and it's not fun. But for some reason, it never occured to me what it's like for others to be around me when I have the same problem.<br />
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It's funny that after all these years of literally suffering--and yes, it is a true mental and emotional, sometimes even physical suffering because of the headaches and dizziness from high blood pressure--that I would only come to this just now.<br />
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But perhaps God was waiting for me to hit rock bottom, or get to the point where I was willing to listen to what He had to say.<br />
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I did not expect Him to say, "Get ADD meds."<br />
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I thought He would say, "Pray more." "Offer it up." "You are better than this." "It's only a human weakness, some suffering will burn that outta ya."<br />
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But not "Go get some meds."<br />
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Meds are a "quick fix", an Easy Button to problems. We aren't supposed to hit the Easy Button. We're supposed to trust God and pray, and pray and pray until the problems are gone. At least, this is the way I've always thought of it in the back of my mind. It's not something I consciously thought and not the way I would explain things to my kids or other people. I would always add something like, "but we should feel free to use modern tools/conveniences that will help us," or something like that. But for whatever reason, this wasn't the solution to my own problems.<br />
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God now says to me, "no worries, Becky, you still have a lot of problems that meds won't fix" hahaha.<br />
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Yeah, it's true. I still will need to work on being more organized and try to be pleasant to be around. I should probably try to get up at least 15 minutes earlier to let my head clear before launching straight into the fire. There's always stuff I have to work on.<br />
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But this morning, I am grateful for the little insight that may be the answer to a problem I've been struggling with for years now. Now maybe we can get somewhere in this sanctity business.<br />
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Moral of the story: humble thyself for the sake of others (and yourself) and take the little white pill.<br />
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<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-48068195941031873622019-03-29T20:22:00.001-07:002019-03-29T20:23:53.433-07:00My first (and last) Vlog! A Day in a life of dog training (boarding) and the arrival of our CGM! Here we go, my first (and most likely last) vlog. I've never done one before but I've always wanted to. I had gone to school to do video editing, and even though I never did anything with it, the artistic side in me wanted to try this out, mostly to satisfy the itch.<br />
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It was a lot of fun to do but a lot of work and honestly, a bit boring! Even though I find my own job (dog training) interesting, I had a hard time finding interesting clips that would keep others interested. And, this really wasn't about dog training, but dog boarding.<br />
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And it was also the day of the arrival of the CGM. I was a bit obsessed with waiting for it to show up (as you will see) but it was exciting when it finally did. Again, this probably won't be very exciting to other people, but for me, it was almost like a birthday. I was tempted to pull Max out of school so we could finally put it on!<br />
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Anyway, here it is--something completely different! It's admittedly hokey at some parts...try not to laugh at me too much!<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="360" id="vp16TIFr" src="https://s3.amazonaws.com/embed.animoto.com/play.html?w=swf/production/vp1&e=1553915385&f=6TIFrR1vh20A7VlFQu0y8g&d=0&m=p&r=360p&volume=100&start_res=undefined&i=m&asset_domain=s3-p.animoto.com&animoto_domain=animoto.com&options=" title="Video Player" width="360"></iframe>Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-32478166578584401312019-03-29T05:51:00.001-07:002019-03-29T05:51:10.627-07:00The CGM--my first impressionsWell, Max's CGM arrived yesterday, and after a super busy day of dog training, puppy play dates, a dog nearly constantly having accidents, customers coming to pick up their dog at the end of the day, and a school concert, we FINALLY got to put the CGM on Max! It was 9:00 at night by the time we finally got around to it, and the CGM arrived at 10 in the morning.<br />
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Inserting it was the easy part. Pairing the receiver with the CGM was a little bit more complicated, but not too bad. What bothered me was that it needed an additional two hours to "warm up" to Max's body and get some readings before it could give us a first reading. Which meant we were all in bed.<br />
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But when it finally gave us a reading, Max's blood sugar was high, so that meant that his first reading was an alarm. I didin't correct his blood sugar, since it was only 199. That is considered to be high-ish, but not too bad for before bed, since blood sugar tends to fall during the night anyway. Well, I guess it kept beeping at Max for a good part of the night, doing a good job of sending him warnings that his blood sugar was high, even though it was actually coming down. So I guess you could say the CGM was doing it's job--much to Max's annoyance.<br />
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I might adjust the alarms, haha.<br />
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Overall, we like the CGM. We've barely had enough time to really get used to it, but it was nice just glancing at the monitor, instead of doing the whole checking with the blood thing.<br />
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We have yet to get the app on my phone (not compatible) and there's other little glitches, but the bottom line is, we have the CGM and it's working well. Now to enjoy it.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-35532481524939402282019-03-26T20:36:00.001-07:002019-03-27T11:48:21.477-07:00Max is getting a CGM! ***Edited to add: The school nurse just called and said that when she checked Max's blood sugar before lunch, he was at 78 and didn't even know it. Just another reason why we're happy why we're getting the CGM!<br />
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In two days, we will finally be getting a CGM for Max! I think I'm the only one in this family who is truly excited about this, but soon everyone's going to be happy. It means a little more normalcy that we knew before, and it also means some peace of mind.<br />
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If I haven't explained what a CGM is before, it stands for Continuous Glucose Monitor (or Meter). It's a device that you wear on your body that constantly is monitoring your blood sugar and sends you updates every five minutes. This means no more pokes.<br />
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Honestly, the fact that he won't have to poke his finger anymore (or at least not as often) isn't really my cause for celebrating, although of course I'm happy he will be spared his blood. For me, it's the worry. In order for you to understand the worry, I think you would need to live a life of diabetes or have a loved one that has it. Preferably someone type 1---not that type 2 has nothing to worry about. But their diabetes usually tends to be easier to control (depending on the person of course.)<br />
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The CGM will ease so many of my worries, even eliminating many of them. One of them being Max having a low during the night.Most of the time, our blood sugar goes low during the night because we aren't eating. For diabetics, this can be dangerous. It is hard and scary for me to give Max his "backround insulin" (slow-acting release insulin) because we give this at night. I worry that it will make him go too low during the night, although I've been told that it's too slow acting for that to happen. The CGM will track his blood sugar all night, alerting us to any dangerous lows (or highs) that he may be having so we can wake him up to treat him.<br />
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I can't even explain what this feels like to me, to have this worry gone. Worrying about whether or not Max will either fall into a coma and pass away in his sleep is a DAILY concern for me. There isn't one day that has gone by since his diagnosis that I have wondered if Max made it through the night. This sounds morbid and depressing, I know, but like I said, until you live this life, you have no idea the crazy thoughts and worries that go through your head. Especially days when Max sleeps in and he doesn't make an appearance for breakfast. I never send the kids downstairs to wake up Max because I'm afraid they will discover him dead. Instead, I go downstairs and I cautiously open the door--first smelling the air for the smell of death. Then I check his feet, because he has to sleep with the covers over his head, making him look even more like a corpse which doesn't help. I look at the feet for any mottling. And it's always a relief to see pink, healthy feet!<br />
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Yep, I know what you are thinking! How horrible that she does this! You might even think I'm being overly dramatic, but I'm not, because dying in your sleep is a pretty common thing for people with diabetes. Guys, I can't explain this in a way that won't make me sound neurotic. You have to live this life to understand what it's like, to know that each night when you say goodnight to your son, it may be the last time that you do. The first few weeks after Max's diagnosis, I barely got any sleep. I worried constantly that he would run too low. I would wake up multiple times wondering if we should check on him, but worry for disturbing his sleep made me wait until morning. This meant waking up nearly every hour, waiting for morning. It was a horrible way to live, constantly in worry and fear.<br />
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Eventually, I learned to hand Max over to God each night, and I still do this. When I finish blogging, I'll be turning in myself and will have to pray again that God will "keep Max safe" as I always pray. And at the same time, releasing him into God's hands that it may be that one day, God may take Max. It's only because of this daily surrender, that I can get any sleep at all. I can't say that it's easy, but it's helped me to trust and find a little peace.<br />
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But the CGM is an answer to prayer. I've been waiting for this answer! I now have a "babysitter" that will monitor Max as he sleeps. If he dips too low, it will wake us up to give him some sugar. If it spikes too high, it will wake us up so we can give him insulin. And yes, ideally, this should be his own responsibity. He will have a monitor as well to wake him up. But it's always good to have a back-up, in case he doesn't wake up.<br />
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And it's not just about nighttime. I worry about activity and stress. Because too much activity and stress can make your blood sugar fall low. It can be treated easily, but there are times when the blood sugar won't go back up. And, I've heard that there are times you can't get your blood sugar to go back down when it's running too high. So far, this hasn't been a problem for Max, since he's still in his honeymoon stage.<br />
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The CGM means that I will be able to sleep at night (at least until the alarms go off.) It means no more scary lows (or at least, less of them.) It means catching the lows that go too fast. It means much more safety for Max.<br />
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And yes, it means no more finger pokes! It means just glancing at the meter instead of pulling out the meter, test strips and all that stuff just to figure out if your are normal or not. It even means no more bloody test strips lying around. A lesser evil but still.<br />
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It means getting a little bit of normal back.<br />
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I'm very excited, as you can probably tell. Max doesn't understand what the big deal is yet, but he's in for a treat.<br />
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I may even do a video of us inserting it into for the first time (if he lets me.) We will see.<br />
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Just two more nights of this feeling--the feeling of taking a risk, walking without a net. And so I end this now as I end every night, "Dear Lord, please keep Max safe tonight."<br />
Amen.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-75629933850945809912019-03-20T20:23:00.001-07:002019-03-20T20:23:58.950-07:00House update: the basementIt's been a long time since I've done a house update. We've had a lot happening lately.<br />
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I don't have any before pictures, but the basement isn't so far along that you can't imagine what it looked like before. Basically, the drywall in the basement is "new-ish" (it was put up last summer but we haven't done anything with it yet) and then we had cement floors pretty much forever. Which makes it very cold downstairs.<br />
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Anyway, Dennis is working on putting down a new floor, which is what all the wood is for. Where you see wood, is where carpet is going to go, and where you see cement floor, will be tile. But of course, this all will take money, which we don't have at the moment.<br />
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And then further down, you see a half wall that was put up. This is also new. It used to be just one long room, but Dennis wanted to section off the set tub to become "the set tub area."<br />
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And in this little cubicle, he organized all his tool boxes. With name tags, no less.<br />
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Actually, this little area reminds me of my Grandpa's shed. He also sectioned off a little area where he cleaned fish. Sink, counter and everything. Man-style, of course.<br />
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Anyway, that is the update. Eventually, hopefully we will get tile and carpet soon.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-41442894111723534942019-03-17T07:10:00.001-07:002019-03-17T07:18:01.980-07:00"All or nothing" Can I make that choice?I have to admit it--sometimes I don't like my job as "dog trainer", which I feel very guilty about because it usually implies I don't like all the dogs I'm working with. I would be lying if I said I did. I don't.<br />
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There is one that is staying with us right now who is particularly challenging. He is a young adolecent dog, extremely hyper nearly all the time (although he does have his calm times and then he's very sweet.) I think the most annoying habit he has is that he refuses to go outside. I used to think it was the cold weather, but no, he just doesn't like to go outside. I have to literally drag him by his collar or scruff, toss him out the door and slam it shut before he bolts back inside. If I am lucky enough to close the door in time, he pounces on the door and yelps and barks like crazy. I walk away and then usually he will give up his tantrum and does his business. So he's quite happy to be outside when I force him--he just doesn't like giving up what he likes to do inside. Which is very annoying. And no, throwing treats outside doesn't work.<br />
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Yesterday we went through our usual struggle of getting him outside and guess what he did? As I grabbed him by the collar to force him outside, he squatted and peed. Yep, he did his business inside. Normally, this would be called "submissive urination" when a dog squats and pees in front of you, but this dog is not submissive at all. He's stubborn--very stubborn, and knew he had to go outside to pee, so he solved the problem by peeing inside. He got thrown out anyway.<br />
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I am just frustrated with dogs.<br />
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I hate that I get so frustrated and TIRED of them so quickly. I imagine that this is how teachers often feel about their job. Everyone just assumes and *expects* that teachers are going to love their kid and see all their wonderful qualities that they see, but have no idea that teachers might despise certain children or just struggle with liking them. I don't know if teachers ever feel guilty for feeling this way, but I imagine that maybe some do. I don't blame them, I get it. It is the same with me and other people's dogs. They all just assume I will bond as quickly with their dog as they have, but that doesn't always happen. There are some dogs like the one I just described, that I struggle with, and I can't wait for that dog to go home. At the same time, it's really important to bond with a dog or they don't learn to trust you. And if they don't learn to trust you, then they aren't going to listen to you. So it's difficult.<br />
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I just wish I were more like Sister Clare. She made a decision to change, and she did. I'm sure it didn't happen overnight and I'm sure there were struggles that we don't know about, but her decision stayed the same. She said, "I have to change my life." And so she did.<br />
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I need to change my life too. I need to change my attitude, the way I look at things. I get tired, frustrated and discouraged so easily. I've always been like this, always struggled with this. I've tried hard to change, I pray about it nearly daily. But it continues to be a struggle.<br />
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One thing I don't like about saint stories--they don't talk about the struggles they went through. I wish we could hear about those struggles, just to know if they are part of the process of sainthood.<br />
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I would imagine, that just like any other bad habit that we give up, there has to be a struggle. There has to be a "departure" of leaving that bad habit. And like most departures, it hurts.<br />
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Anyway, yes, I enjoy my job as a dog trainer. I don't enjoy all dogs. Most dogs that come here have behavioral problems and so, they aren't always pleasant to be around. They do add a lot of chaos to the day when things are already chaotic. There are times I have to force myself to kennel them in order to be a better person around them. And I hate that, because it's admitting a weakness to my impatience, fatigue, or whatever it is that I'm feeling at the time. It's hard to admit a weakness.<br />
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But like Sister Clare, I would also like to say "All or nothing". Making that decision to make a change and stick with it. No matter what the struggle, how fierce the fight, or how many the falls. I think God will give us the grace to keep going if we are firm in our decision.<br />
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<i>"I will be your Mother, your Father, I will be your language, your country. I will be your Everything." </i>--(Sister Clare speaking of her vocation and leaving her former life.)<br />
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<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/-0LKZm2BqZo" width="560"></iframe>Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-76822863329179668962019-03-15T20:35:00.001-07:002019-03-15T20:35:14.863-07:00I hope I didn't do anything stupidI just made an impulsive decision and made an impulsive purchase. Well, actually, I did think about it--for about an hour, which is pretty good, actually. But I was so excited to see this new technology where you can take an EKG straight off of your watch that I didn't need to think about it too much. I knew I wanted it.<br />
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Even though it's been nine years since my heart attack, I still have occasional scary arrythmias that I can only vagually describe to my doctor but never really explain. Sometimes he sends me home with a monitor (basically an EKG) that my insurance won't pay for and I have to wear it around for two weeks for nothing. It's big, bulky, and uncomfortable. And then when something does go off, you have to send the recording through a phone--not an iphone, but a horrible screeching noise that you hold up to the phone and someone on the other end records it.<br />
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So introducing the Kardioband. I was actually looking for something for Max to help him monitor his blood sugar better and I ran across this article about a watch that can actually detect and record an irregular heart rythm and prompt you to take an EKG straight from your watch. I was skeptical that something like that could work but it has excellent reviews. Many people that have used it share the readings with their doctors and so the doctors love it too. And the best thing is that it was only $99!<br />
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So I bought it. And yes, I hope it wasn't a stupid decison seeing that it was impulsive. At the same time, I don't see how I can regret it, unless it just turns out to be a piece of junk. (Which would be a surprise, considering the great reviews it got for accuracy.) To have peace of mind knowing that I'm not having a heart attack is worth $100 for me. Heck, I would pay more if I had to.<br />
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To not have to go running to the ER or call Dennis from the side of the road because my heart "went crazy" is worth it. It is worth it to no longer have anxiety attacks.<br />
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My only worry was what people would think when they saw this watch (it has normal time but for the most part, it is always showing your heartrate), but I figure, with all the gimmicks they have out there, people will just think it's a Fitbit. And who cares what they think anyway?<br />
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Here is the wonderful, amazing video on the Kardioband that I purchased. Feel free to pass this info on to anyone who suffers from any anxeity from heart trouble:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="360" src="https://player.vimeo.com/video/251698954" width="640"></iframe>Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-62116310067647958972019-03-15T12:17:00.001-07:002019-03-15T12:17:59.252-07:00Wintertime Doggy Drop offSomething new that I've incorporated into my dog training is a Wintertime Drop off for dogs. Every Thursday (from now until April 15th), I've invited people to get a break from their dogs and get them out of the house one a week for just $10 a session. There are five weeks of this so they can either pay in full $50 or just pay session by session. I've limited it up to five dogs only so I don't go TOO crazy and people must reserve their spot. We had our first session just yesterday (see previous post, lol) and it went great! It was a bit exhausting, but mostly because one of the dogs that are boarding with us is a non-stop barker when he's in the kennel, which can be exhausting to listen to.<br />
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Anyway, so far it's going well and people seem to really like the idea, plus take their dogs home all worn out, which means less behaviors from their dogs. And I'm making a little money on the side, which makes Dennis happy too. It's a win-win for everyone.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-47187424572942727022019-03-14T18:24:00.000-07:002019-03-14T18:24:40.390-07:00Frustrating thingsJust recently, I watched a documentary about different orders of nuns, how they spend their day and so on. It was a very good documentary, and if I can find the it, I'll link it<a href="https://youtu.be/PIwJacw_Z3Y"> here. </a><br />
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But one of the things that struck me was that no matter what kind of order it was, there was always a time of recreation for the Sisters. For the Sisters who were very active, there were sports. For the ones who were a little more quiet, they had other things like board games or just sitting around and talking. And there was always a view for them to contemplate.<br />
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It hit me tonight as I finished a really hectic day that I never got a break today. I know that this is the case for many moms and it's almost as though we are proud of it when we say "I never get a break!" Like it earns us a badge or something.<br />
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Well I can't speak for other moms but for myself, I need a break. If I don't get one, I get overworked, overwhelmed and super crabby. And I don't benefit my family at all when I'm like this.<br />
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Today I took on five dogs for a play date (long story) and it went well. However, it lasted all day. Then in between all this, I had appointments to go to. One being Max's diabetes appointment which is a 40 minute drive there and back.<br /><br />Then there was fog and rain all day. I know, it's not even worth bringing up, but it's been a lot of weather lately.<br />
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Then I came home to the dogs again. Waited for owners to come get their dogs. One forgot so I had to bring the dog to them.<br />
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One of the dogs that has been here forever due to a family emergency has regressed big time in his house breaking. Four accidents in an hour. And on top of that, major kennel anxiety. About 200 barks per minute and I'm not joking or exaggerrating. He sounds like one of those yapping dog toys. I don't think I need to mention that it really wears on the ears and nerves.<br />
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And then date night. Our one night a week that we try to reserve for each other. It's difficult and stressful. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's worth it. But we are trying.<br />
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But then I remembered, I never got a break today. I didn't really have much time for a break and some days are like that, but if the Sisters can do it, why can't we? They make time for their break and guard it. They regard that mental break as precious as they do their prayer time. So why don't we? Why don't I?<br />
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Why do I feel I have to do it all? Where does this come from? Why do I feel guilty for taking a rest?<br />
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It seems to come from pride, thinking we have enough strength to do it all and to think that it has to be *us* that does it all and not on others.<br />
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I sometimes get upset that Dennis does the dishes and cleans up. It makes me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job.<br />
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But the truth is, I can't do it all and I do need help. I don't know why I feel like it all has to be on me. And I can't even do it right anyway.<br />
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I've blogged about this before, but I guess I continue to struggle with it. I'm not that strong yet I take on so much anyway.<br />
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I'm off now to eat loaded potato meatloaf casserole and watch Saving Mr.Banks now. Recreation that I don't feel like taking because I feel so antsy and frustrated. But maybe that's why God insists on the rest. To make us take a break and relax.<br />
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<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5644793891746199537.post-20236300819724448972019-03-09T07:08:00.002-08:002019-03-09T07:08:37.721-08:00WorriesOne of my big concerns right now is trying to teach Max how to self-manage his own diabetes and I often wonder if I'm expecting more of him than he can do manage. At the same time, I don't want to ever under-estimate him. I don't want to limit him because of my own worries and fears.<br />
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True, we are only a month and a half in since his diagnosis. Maybe I'm expecting too much at this time. But knowing Max as I do, my worries are not completely invalid. This not just a nervous-mother thing.<br />
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A couple examples:<br />
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<li>This morning I asked him to check his blood sugar. He said ok and got his medical bag while I made breakfast. When I looked over, I saw him holding his insulin needle. He was about to inject himself without first checking his blood sugar AND inject himself without setting or knowing what the dose was first.</li>
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<li>Yesterday he primed the needle (squirting out excess insulin that has been sitting too long between doses) and then nearly primed again, wasting his insulin dose. He probably then would have (out of habit) simply poked himself with no insulin, thinking he had dosed himself without actually doing it.</li>
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<li>The day before yesterday he did the same thing.</li>
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<li>The day before that, he did the same thing again. </li>
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<li>Yesterday when we left for church, I found his diabetes stuff all over the couch but his medical bag missing. I found him waiting for me in the car. I asked him if he had his medical bag and he said yes. Then I asked him if he had anything in it (wanting to know if he realized it felt unusually light) and he said yes. I then showed him all the stuff he left behind. </li>
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And then there are the smaller issues, but still important, about him leaving needles lying around, throwing them in the garbage (a big no-no), leaving dirty test strips around, and being careless about his needle when holding it (he tends to wave it around, making me nervous he's going to accidentally poke one of the visiting dogs in the eye. They tend to always want to see what he's doing with the bag and hover around him.)</div>
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It is what it is. That's all I can say about things that I have no control over. I believe that one day Max will be able to manage his own diabetes. But sometimes when the unexpected comes up, <a href="https://homegreathome.blogspot.com/2019/03/a-scary-low.html">like it did the other day</a>, those are the challenges that Max could find difficult to manage. All I can keep telling myself is that that "one day" will eventually come. </div>
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<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10451590537173713861noreply@blogger.com0