Head spinning

Having ADD is like this: focus on an object in a room and then spin around in a circle for 30 seconds. Stop, and try to point your finger and keep it on that object while the room is still spinning. This is what ADD is like for me.

It hit me today, after another really chaotic morning breakfast, that I need ADD meds. I pray every night for "the grace" or whatever it takes, to be a cheerful person to be around in the mornings. But every day---every single day---it is the same. I am not cheerful. I am irritated.

I want to be a good mom and someone that is easy to be around. But I'm not. Every morning, it is the same scenereo of chaos and confusion. It's like Groundhog Day over and over.

I get up, say a prayer, start off with a smile, and end up in near-tears. By the time everything is done, I am dizzy, have a headache and am exhausted. I want to offer it up like the saints do, isn't that how they become holy? I remind myself that holiness is not an act, sainthood is not a role played; it is a process and there will be bumps--probably many--in the road of transformation. But every day is the same and I can't change. How did the saints do it??

And then it just hit me out of the blue: I need ADD meds.

See, anyone could have told me this (Dennis comes to mind, he says it often), but I would have rebuffed them because that's what I've always done when it comes to ADD medication. Just live with it, is what I've always said about myself. In some ways, I guess there was a pride there in being tough enough to handle it. But when it comes to my kids taking them--Max and Luke specifically--I am all for it. "They need it" is usually what I tell myself. I know what it's like to be on the other side of someone with ADD and it's not fun. But for some reason, it never occured to me what it's like for others to be around me when I have the same problem.

It's funny that after all these years of literally suffering--and yes, it is a true mental and emotional, sometimes even physical suffering because of the headaches and dizziness from high blood pressure--that I would only come to this just now.

But perhaps God was waiting for me to hit rock bottom, or get to the point where I was willing to listen to what He had to say.

I did not expect Him to say, "Get ADD meds."

I thought He would say, "Pray more." "Offer it up." "You are better than this." "It's only a human weakness, some suffering will burn that outta ya."

But not "Go get some meds."

Meds are a "quick fix", an Easy Button to problems. We aren't supposed to hit the Easy Button. We're supposed to trust God and pray, and pray and pray until the problems are gone. At least, this is the way I've always thought of it in the back of my mind. It's not something I consciously thought and not the way I would explain things to my kids or other people. I would always add something like, "but we should feel free to use modern tools/conveniences that will help us," or something like that. But for whatever reason, this wasn't the solution to my own problems.

God now says to me, "no worries, Becky, you still have a lot of problems that meds won't fix" hahaha.

Yeah, it's true. I still will need to work on being more organized and try to be pleasant to be around. I should probably try to get up at least 15 minutes earlier to let my head clear before launching straight into the fire. There's always stuff I have to work on.

But this morning, I am grateful for the little insight that may be the answer to a problem I've been struggling with for years now. Now maybe we can get somewhere in this sanctity business.

Moral of the story: humble thyself for the sake of others (and yourself) and take the little white pill.

Progress

The Blue Hills Collaborative

This has been a great Lent, so far. I feel that I'm making some progress in so many areas. And who would have known that it all started with a Lenten sacrifice to give up Facebook.

Giving up Facebook has given me so much more time.

This is obvious, I know. I think in some ways, though we all say we need more time in our days, we also cringe when we free up some time so that we can get other things done that we tend to procrastinate.

Like the dishes. Oh, those dishes. It's like Purgatory every day.

I remind myself that it wasn't very long ago that we all washed dishes by hand. I know I shouldn't complain. But I do hate the dishes.

Giving up Facebook has made me see the areas that I tend to slack. Yes, the dishes are a big one for me. But more than just housekeeping, I also have been able to see other areas of procrastination, like rosary work.

Rosary work has become such a stressful thing to me. But with the extension of time, I see the areas that I tend to waste it when I do have it. For instance, managing orders and taking the time to do inventory...figuring out which orders need to go out first or what "extras" I need to order for other rosary orders. Doing dishes, managing rosary orders, being aware of how use my time, has helped me to be careful of how I use it.

Which now leads to the phone...

When I complained to Dennis of my never-ending disorganization, he asked why I don't use the calendar on my phone. Too much work! was the first thought that came to my head. But one day, I decided to try to figure it out. Ok, I'll admit it, it's helped a ton. I now get little reminders every time I have an appointment.

School Loans!

This one makes me groan. It is my monthly pest. Doing my monthly payments depends on my rosary sales. And so the pressure is on to keep my rosary business as organized as I can, so I don't fall behind and get customers mad at me (and waste money by shipping everything Priority mail to make up for time.) But interestingly enough, all of this awareness of time has helped me get more focused on financial responsibilities too.

And so this has also led to...

Treating my ADD. I have had it for years, swept it under the rug with the excuse that "everyone has it" and I should be able to handle it if they can. But recently, I was at the library and ran across a book called "Women with ADD".  I paged through it and couldn't help laughing because it was as though it was written for me. I did not end up checking it out, but I did decide to do something about living with it. Just because everyone suffers with ADD doesn't mean I can't get it treated or that I'm weak for wanting to get some help. I admit it's a humbling thing to admit that I want to use medication to help myself. However, it seems to have affected my family more than I was aware, because when I casually mentioned to Dennis that I wanted to look into getting some meds, he enthusiastically said, "That's GREAT!!!" If you know Dennis, you know that he hardly reacts to anything. I have to admit, I wasn't sure whether to be amused or offended by his reaction.

Which then leads to time on the computer...

My new awareness of managing time has made me look at how much "screen time" the kids spend. Learning about "tic triggers" also has educated me that too much screen time can be a big trigger for kids with tics. Combined with daily TV and computer turns, I estimated that we spend an average of--ready for this?--five hours of screen time a day!! Yes, five hours (give or take)!

We are now down to perhaps two hours, if even that. No more TV watching in the morning. No more TV watching in the "in between" times, like meal preparation. Computer turns have been limited to 40 minutes per kid. This was always the case, but it has crept up to an hour or longer per kid, especially in the last month, when we were in the midst of Luke's medical issues.

I won't lie--cutting down on screen time has made my life a little more busy. It means less "alone time" for me and trying to get things done. But we're learning to find things to do and work on independence. And the kids seem to be finding creative ways (aka: messy) of entertaining themselves.

And giving up Facebook, has also given me more time for self-awareness.

It's made me a little more aware of times of loneliness and boredom. Those times when I would like to share on social media a birthday picture, or medical update, or something trivial. Is it something I really need to share? Is it something people are truly going to care about?

It's made me aware that I crave human companionship, human emotions and human empathy more than an emoji or a thumbs-up. It's made me aware that I too, am too dependent on others. Always have been. It's been liberating to be away from all of that.

But more than anything, it's made me more aware of how much I need God. "You weren't meant to go through this life alone" is something that pops into my mind often. How much I need God in my daily trials. How much I need Him in companionship, in loneliness or feeling misunderstood. How much I need Him when I'm trying to do something healthy and good, like cutting down computer time. How much I need His encouragement in place of others.

So much good has happened by getting rid of something "bad" for me. An awareness of time and how I use it and the procrastination that has taken over my life.

This is why I love Lent. It's a spiritual retreat on bettering yourself, simplifying your life, and growing closer to God, who loves you. Forty days of renewal.

Something other than bathrooms

While we wait for the bathroom to progress, (we're working on drywall and it's not much to talk about) I will tell you that I think we found something for Luke to be involved in. Karate.

While other sports haven't worked out for Luke, I'm praying that Karate will. So many people have recommended it (including therapists) because it teaches self-control.

 "Oh please, God, no," I prayed silently as I watched Luke suddenly drop down and roll all over the floor, laughing, when he was supposed to be doing jumping jacks. This happens wherever we go; swimming, gymnastics, sports. He has a hard time "listening" and following the rules. Then he eventually gets yelled at. "Luke!" is all I hear from the teachers. After many corrections and trying again, we eventually drop out.

And now as Luke was acting silly and goofy, I waited for the Instructor to call out in frustration, "Luke!" just as I have heard everywhere else we went.

But it didn't happen. Instead, he was completely ignored. And then, not getting a reaction, Luke got up and resumed his jumping jacks.

There were a few more times when Luke had trouble listening or not acting impulsively. There was one time when the Instructor asked Luke to do something and Luke rolled his eyes. I braced myself for a reprimand, but it never happened.

Amazingly, they "got" Luke. They have seen his kind. They deal with kids just like him every day. And they actually enjoy them!

While this class is very much like a typical Karate class that teaches Karate moves, they work with children with autism and ADHD, and typical kids.  Though they don't center their class on disabilities, they work with these kids too--teaching them focus, self-discipline and respect. This is what Karate simply is.

Luke quickly found out that if he wanted to advance and learn about kicks and punches, he would have to pay attention. He began to get serious and follow directions, and at the end of the class, they played a game of Doge Ball. (That teaches agility.)

At the end of class, Luke earned his "Dojo Karate" patch. He pestered me all the way home to remember to sew it on and showed off his Karate uniform for the rest of us.

He was happy. Excited. Eager to go back to Karate.

This proud Mama had a hard time keeping her tears in check while she watched him preform Karate moves. But then, that may have been because I had the flu.

Praying, oh Praying, that this time, this will stick.