Jesus speaks loudly

I don't know about anyone else, but there are times in my life when I feel forgotten or unloved. That is it, plain and simple, I don't know any other way to put it (though I've been racking my brains to think of a way to not make it sound so whiny and pathetic.) I know we all go through times of loneliness or when it seems the whole world is too busy to notice or remember you. For me, the fear of dying without anyone really thinking anything of me is a fear of mine. Feeling like my life is not worth anything to anyone. I try hard not to dwell on those feelings, knowing that it's only going to lead in a downward spiral, but boy, it's hard to pull yourself out of it. And yes, spiritually speaking, it stems from pride. But you know what? I don't get much out of that truth because I can't do much about it. Pride is in all of us, a constant weakness. The best we can do is starve it. I believe that God allows me to be forgotten, overlooked or whatever, to starve that pride out of me. Not to say that no one cares--I know they do! But it is also true that at times in my life, it gets very lonely.

Feeling like this once again, I decided I was going to only focus on one thing: how much God loves me. Surprisingly, this actually did the trick; the loneliness  and sadness went away in an instant. I have no idea why; if this was a grace from God or what. But normally when loneliness and depression comes, it hangs on for days, sometimes weeks and no matter how upbeat or positive I try to be, it is there, hanging over my head.

But the thought of how much Jesus loves me chased these dark thoughts and feelings away in an instant. It was almost as though it was a dark presence that left the room.

I went on with my day, but then later, again these dark thoughts and feelings came back. I tried again to focus on Jesus's great love for my soul as I did before but this time, the thoughts and feelings stayed.

When I went for my scheduled hour at adoration, I tried hard to open up to Jesus about all I was feeling. It felt like a complicated knot of emotions, not knowing what was real and not real, what was true of my life and relationships with others or just feelings of hurt. Suddenly I felt inspired to see if Jesus would speak to me in a book. I went to the back of the church where there were a pile of prayer books to choose from. I had my eye on one that looked appealing, but instead, I reached for another one that I would have passed up but I felt compelled to pick it up.

I opened it up and the very first thing I read was this:

"I feel very compelled to tell you how much Jesus loves you..." 

It was as though a zap went through my body, I felt like Jesus was watching me from where He sat on the altar, watching me read this love letter. I quickly scanned through to the end of the paragraph and saw that it was written by St.Mother Theresa. Reading on, I read how Mother Theresa wrote to her Sisters, explaining her desire that they know how much Jesus loves them all individually.

"He loves you...."
"He longs for you...."
"He thirsts for you..."
"He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy..."
"When not accepted by others--even accepted by yourself---he accepts you..."

All these words were exactly the same ones I heard in my own soul earlier that morning, when the darkness was chased away. But now it was written out before me. And for further clarification, there was this:

"The devil may try to use the hurts of life--and sometimes our own mistakes, to make you feel it is impossible that Jesus loves you, is really cleaving to you. This is a danger for all of us. And so sad, because it is the oppositite of what Jesus is really wanting, is waiting to tell you. Not only that He loves you, but even more--He longs for you." 

I went back to my seat and took pictures with my phone of all these passages. I read and re-read the passage over and over, as much as I could, trying hard to believe all that was written. And I did believe. Not because I feel I am worthy but because I know God is love, it is impossible for Him not to love me. And this made me feel so good. It made me feel so loved. So worth it. And precious.

Even though I still have all these faults that annoy other people, or tendencies they don't like. The personality flaws that some of my family doesn't like. Jesus loves me. I wondered how I could live each day without pondering this. It's like starving myself of food and water. How can a peson live without knowing how much God loves them? No wonder there are so many suicides.

Jesus talked to me that day. Directly. A love note from Jesus. Telling me to get up and get this specific book, He had something for me to read. It was proof that He loves me. Not that He needed to prove it again, but maybe He did. But it was a gift. Very rarely does He speak so loudly. But when it comes to love, I think He doesn't just speak loudly. I think He shouts it.