I just went to the dentist because I had a weird bump in my mouth that was right next to an old root canal. The "weird bump" is an infected abscess which may or may not be in connection to my wisdom tooth plus the old infected tooth, even though it's gone. It doesn't hurt that much but I thought I should get it checked out since it was right by an old infection. Somewhat suspicious and I was right.
So the reasonable thing to do is to get rid of all the old roots that are still in my old root canal and at the same time, get rid of my wisdom teeth since they will eventually become infected too (or so the dentist has predicted.)
I knew this two years ago when I first had the root canal infection; I was supposed to get the tooth pulled and never did, along with the 4 other wisdom teeth. But I kept putting it off until, eventually, the old tooth ended up just crumbling apart. I thought I was off the hook until the abscess happened. I guess I was being stupid. Or just in denial. Or maybe both.
So I need you guys to help me. I have to follow through with this this time. I know that these infections will just continue to happen, making even bigger problems than this.
The reason why I put it off (other than financial reasons and those are a concern too) is ever since my heart attack, I have a phobia of anything "medical". I haven't really told anyone about this--why should I? And it's not really something I'm proud of either.
I have put off all my necessary exams except for my heart. I hate even the heart appointments; I don't want to talk about my heart.
I guess you could say I have PTSD or something like that. I don't know. I have been filled with so many diagnoses's over these past ten years (between myself and my kids) that I don't pay much attention to terms anymore. All I know is that I have major anxiety and try as I might, I can't get myself to do the right thing. (Dennis asked me what I would do if I were in his position of needing an cornea eye transplant. I told him I would rather go blind.)
The thing is, I remember everything about what I went through after the heart attack. And not to try to create a dramatic picture or anything, I will tell you what I remember so that you have an understanding why medical things are so scary to me now:
- I remember waking up and not knowing where I was. I remember for some reason, I couldn't move my arms or anything. (I was tied down.)
- I remember waking up again and thinking I was in a nursing home with the flu. I remember my mom and sister telling me they couldn't taking me home with them. I was pretty angry with them.
- I remember two nurses holding me down as I fought them trying to put an NG tube down my nose. I remember the burning pain going down my nostrils and throat.
- I remember choking on blood (though I didn't know it was blood) and not being able to breathe. I remember feeling confused, seeing my mom crying, and the nurse putting a suction down my throat until I could breathe again.
- I remember not being able to wake up. I was in a coma again--this time because I was sick. I was in a cold dark place. I don't know if this was mental or spiritual but I remember being in this place and I felt trapped in my own body. I remember people calling my name, and I would try to wake up but never could.
- I remember having some minor heart surgery done. The doctor woke me up on purpose (he told me he would) and all I felt was SEVERE chest pain. I began to panic, thinking I was having another heart attack and the doctor instantly put me back to sleep.
- I remember going through my Angioplasty, which is relatively safe and common procedure that takes maybe an hour. It took the doctor 4 hours to complete, and this was because in addition to my heart attack, he found hundreds more clots and the same dissection that he thought was taken care of, continuing on to dissect before his eyes. If he had not done that procedure, I would have had another heart attack and I can assure you I would not be here writing this blog today.
- And probably the worst of all of it is, I remember being weak and "sick" at home, trying to recover as quickly as I could, so that I could go back to being "mom" again. I remember hearing the kids outside my door crying, Dennis struggling, fights happening. I remember trying to help but always having to go back to bed. This was the worst of it. I felt like I was dying and not getting better. It was horrible.
Please don't say that; the key words here are: "with all you have been through." I don't like to talk about it, but I have been through a lot. It is all water under the bridge, it is in the past, it is done and over with and I have survived it all. But with all these medical procedures--even the most common and minor--it brings it all back.
So I could use your prayers. Pray that I will go get this done and that it will go smoothly.
Please pray that I will wake up again. Pray that I won't have any reactions. Pray that I will recover quickly. And pray for my anxiety, that I might see this as it really is, not as how my fears see it. I do want to be with my family and I don't want to make myself sick on purpose based on my fears.
Thank you in advance, I do appreciate it and I will let you know when I get this all done!