Loving the family

Today at adoration,  a list formed in my mind. How do I prioritize my life? What order do I place my roles to others? Immediately, my list went like this"

1. Christian
2. Wife
3. Mom
4. Dog Trainer

But then, with more pondering, it went more like this:

1. Dog Trainer
2. Mom
3. Wife
4. Christian

Not that I try to live my life in that order but it is what is important to me right now. Dog training is still an exciting new adventure and it's hard not to get caught up in it. My kids happiness is important to me so it comes second in my priorities. My marriage comes third because I take it for granted and don't take care of it like I should. And my Christian duties, my attitude, my prayer life, is in fourth place.


Thank goodness for my adoration hours. That, and the Mass are all that keep me grounded lately. When I come back to Jesus each week, it is so hard to get my thoughts under control. They swirl around with to-do lists and reminders and dogs to train, kids to take care of, what we should have for dinner, ect. It is so hard to focus on the little white Host sitting right in front of me.

But by the end of the hour, all I can think of is Him. With the help of the Holy Spirit, of course, who helps me get my thoughts under control. And then I wonder, how could I think of anything but Him? How can I leave this church, where I can escape the chaos of my life for one hour? Do I really need to go back? Can I just hide here forever?

And everything that I previously was occupied about suddenly seems so bland. Not to say my life as wife and mother are not fulfilling, but let's face it, those two roles are hard to play sometimes. It is hard to go back and love.

Which lead me to my second thought. Loving my family. I would die without them. I would never want to lose any of them. And yet, I love them with a selfish kind of love. I love them most when I'm in a good mood, when I feel loving, when I feel I can put up with them. But the times when I can't deal with them, it is hard to love them. It is when I want to escape.

I felt like God was sending me away with an assignment. Not that He spoke to me in words, but this is what I felt He was saying to me: "I only want you to do one thing--love your family, and love them well."

I do not have to run to Puerto Rico and give them clean water and fresh supplies, though that would be easier and rewarding.

I do not have to go to Las Vegas to pray with the families that have lost loved ones.

I do not need to go to Africa to give them fresh water.

All I have to do is love my family, those closest to me. And yet, it is the hardest thing in the world. And yet, this is all He asks of me to do.

Why don't we do this? The ones who are closest to us are often the ones most unloved.

My mission in this life is to love my family the best I can. I don't know when I will die, but when I do, I hope they will know they were loved. I hope they will always know it in their hearts. I hope they will come to recognize God's love for them through me.

It is such a simple mission, to just love your family. And yet, the hardest thing to do. A way to heaven, and how often we escape it and look for another way--away from our family.

She did it!

After listening for about a month to Lucy go back and forth on whether or not she should get her ears pierced, I'm happy to say, she finally did it! Whew! These little milestones of growing up, fitting in, are so exhausting! I believe that I was more nervous than she was!

I had a hard time with this one. It seems like the kids are just growing up so fast. These past few years especially. Max has hit puberty and suddenly he's not longer a little kid but a TEENAGER. His voice has changed, and no, it's not British, like he was hoping.

Lucy is suddenly talking about ipods and shopping, browsing the clothes section instead of the toys. It hurts, it really does. Puts a pang in your chest.

I'm comforted by the fact that despite her growing so quickly, Lucy still wanted me to hold her hand during her piercing. (That sounds terrible.)

Well, it was either hold my hand or hold onto her stuffed pillow dog. When Luke said, "You're bringing that to the store??" I shot him a look full of daggers. Her grandpa already finished off her doll phase after saying she was getting to be too old for dolls; and I didn't want Luke embarrassing her about bringing her stuffed animal and finishing off that phase of her life too.

She chose to hold onto her stuffed dog plus my hands. I was so proud of her for going through with it. Not because I want her to wear earrings, but because it was something she really wanted to do. And she pushed herself to overcome a fear without any pushing from me.

It's funny how you can happy and sad that your kid is growing up at the same time.

Here she is before getting her ears pierced. Look how nervous she looks!

And now after.

So proud and happy and sad all at the same time.

My kids are growing up too fast. Please God, distract me with some dog training!

Between a rock and a hard place

Part of my frustration is with the school. A couple of weeks ago, the school surprised me with a conference call accusing me of truancy. I didn't even know what this was until I got off the phone with them, haha.

Long story short, they hadn't been communicating with their own staff (their teachers) even though I had been, and they weren't aware at all of anything that was going on with Luke. His teachers told me to keep him out as long as I needed to and didn't advise me to let the Principal know or anything. So of course, this is what I did, thinking that as long as I kept them in the loop of things and kept him caught up with school work that all was ok. And then all of a sudden I get a surprise attack from the head honchos at the school, telling me that my story "wasn't adding up." So basically, accusing me of lying.

Things settled down a bit after I explained it all and they took back their truancy accusation. But now today, I hear that they have been calling my social worker and asking if she's "aware of the situation" and sent home a letter reminding me that Luke has met his quota of missed school days.

To make things even more complicated, Luke is having more and more trouble falling asleep, sometimes staying up all night or half the night because of this tick. How am I supposed to send him to school with no sleep?? I am daily caught between a rock and a hard place and this is why I am nearly always feeling on the verge of a mental breakdown.

I've requested an IEP with the school three times now, and three times they have skirted around the issue. I have no idea why these people, who want to be "kept in the loop of communication" don't want to work with me and help Luke so that he CAN attend school.

I would gladly take him out of school so that I can homeschool him for the rest of the year, thereby giving him the rest that he needs, when he needs it. But Dennis isn't really for that idea since we're already homeschooling Max.

So we are nearing midnight now and I can still hear Luke in his room, ticking away, which means he is still awake. I am groggy with missed sleep myself but I can't sleep, knowing that he's awake.

This is my life lately. This is why we need prayers. I have no idea where this will end. I just know it needs to end--and soon.

Love first, then patience

I believe I pray the same prayer every day and every night, and that is that I may grow more patience. And though there are days when it seems I'm a little more patient, there are also days where it seems I have no patience for anything.

Granted, I am "my father's daughter", as I have always said. My dad was a man of nearly zero patience, always complaining, always upset, it seemed. I didn't learn until much later in life how much he suffered because of this trait and how hard he worked to be patient. It wasn't until he was an old man in his 80's, especially the last four years of his life, when we saw the fruits of his efforts, even though the struggle was harder than ever for him.

Anyway, I take after him. I too, complain nearly constantly and have nearly zero patience. I have seen how hard it was for my dad and now it's hard for me too. But more than that, it is hard on everyone who has to live with me.

Finally, a breakthrough: forget patience. Love first. And then patience will come.

Patience is "putting up" with whatever is causing us impatience; a tolerance to endure it. But love is the foundation of everything; love will give you patience to endure and tolerate, to be more understanding.

Today at church, the homily was about humility and Mother Theresa, who is to be canonized a saint soon. I thought to myself, "What if Mother Theresa only focused on patience?" She would not be the loving saint that we know today.

I have seen people be patient. I see it mainly in the workplace, when people have to deal with difficult customers. And while they do well with patience, what comes across is only a forced politeness. I can't imagine Mother Theresa working off "politeness" only. Her work was simply much to hard to endure off of one virtue on its own. Her work had to be based off of love.

And so now I find myself in the same position as Mother Theresa. Her work was to be in another country, working with the starved and the poor. My work is within my own family; who may not be starving or nearly as desolate, but nonetheless is yearning and seeking God's love.

Where do we find it?

We find God's love in one another.

And so, no more prayers for patience for me. Rather, prayers that I may love more. That I may love God more, and desire that I love Him more, because who can say we already love enough? And that I may learn to love my family especially at the trying times, when I want to stop everything and say, "Enough!"

Today at Mass, I found myself again praying for patience as Henry was not just restless, but nearly body-slamming himself into me over and over, just out of boredom. Nothing I said to him would calm him down. Being the only parent (because Dennis works on weekends) I didn't feel free to leave all the kids in the pew to take him out. So I said to God, "What do I do now? I need Your help to be patient." And automatically, I gritted my teeth against my feelings of impatience.

But then, a reminder of Love. And instead of putting up with Henry's behavior, I instead took him against his will and began to slowly rub his arms up and down, up and down, focusing on drawing out the restlessness, the tension of cooped up energy....and he began to relax. Not only that, but the moment I stopped rubbing his arms, he immediately positioned his body in front of me and held up his little arms as a sign that he would like the gentle caresses again.

Love first, then patience. I never needed to draw on the patience I didn't have, but instead on love that comes from God. And then patience came.

Love first and patience will come.

Something other than bathrooms

While we wait for the bathroom to progress, (we're working on drywall and it's not much to talk about) I will tell you that I think we found something for Luke to be involved in. Karate.

While other sports haven't worked out for Luke, I'm praying that Karate will. So many people have recommended it (including therapists) because it teaches self-control.

 "Oh please, God, no," I prayed silently as I watched Luke suddenly drop down and roll all over the floor, laughing, when he was supposed to be doing jumping jacks. This happens wherever we go; swimming, gymnastics, sports. He has a hard time "listening" and following the rules. Then he eventually gets yelled at. "Luke!" is all I hear from the teachers. After many corrections and trying again, we eventually drop out.

And now as Luke was acting silly and goofy, I waited for the Instructor to call out in frustration, "Luke!" just as I have heard everywhere else we went.

But it didn't happen. Instead, he was completely ignored. And then, not getting a reaction, Luke got up and resumed his jumping jacks.

There were a few more times when Luke had trouble listening or not acting impulsively. There was one time when the Instructor asked Luke to do something and Luke rolled his eyes. I braced myself for a reprimand, but it never happened.

Amazingly, they "got" Luke. They have seen his kind. They deal with kids just like him every day. And they actually enjoy them!

While this class is very much like a typical Karate class that teaches Karate moves, they work with children with autism and ADHD, and typical kids.  Though they don't center their class on disabilities, they work with these kids too--teaching them focus, self-discipline and respect. This is what Karate simply is.

Luke quickly found out that if he wanted to advance and learn about kicks and punches, he would have to pay attention. He began to get serious and follow directions, and at the end of the class, they played a game of Doge Ball. (That teaches agility.)

At the end of class, Luke earned his "Dojo Karate" patch. He pestered me all the way home to remember to sew it on and showed off his Karate uniform for the rest of us.

He was happy. Excited. Eager to go back to Karate.

This proud Mama had a hard time keeping her tears in check while she watched him preform Karate moves. But then, that may have been because I had the flu.

Praying, oh Praying, that this time, this will stick.