All Saints Day

To those who feel discouraged about attending Mass and feeling like it's for nothing, I hear you. I remember feeling like this every Sunday when the kids were little. For seven years, we never sat in a pew. We always were in the Narthex. There were some Sundays that I felt so discouraged about just trying to "get through Mass" We weren't alone. There were other parents with young children also just trying to "get through it."

We haven't had a Sunday like that in quite a while, and I've been spoiled sitting in a pew with everyone else. Able to listen to the homily, able to actually attend Mass.

But then yesterday was a really tough day. Without getting into too much detail, Max had a panic attack. He's had these a few times and there really isn't much I can do to calm him down. I used to try to force him to work through these panic attacks but I've learned that it only increases his anxiety and if I push too much, he runs out of the church in a panic. I worry with his state of mind being in a panic and running into the parking lot and getting hit by a car (although most people are still in the church and it's usually safe.)

And then he had a nose bleed. Blood everywhere. Good grief, does someone just want us to give up and go home?? Because I was very tempted.

On top of that, the other kids were taking advantage of situation and not behaving as they know they should. Again, I will not "tattle" on the kids and dont' want to embarrass them. But it was a frustrating time. Seriously felt so ironic that it was All Saints Day. Made me feel like we were the unholiest of  the holies.

So I spent the Mass sitting on a bench with Max, in a little crevice that we found. Just barely able to hear the priest speaking. I could not make out the garble that he was saying, but it must have been good because every so often, everyone would laugh at something he said.

And then out of the garble of words, I heard one line that came out clearly, and one line only: "Jesus loves you!" This is something our priest says often---every single homily, about 10 times per homily. Over and over. Jesus loves you.

And this was the only sentence that I was able to make out. I repeated it out loud to myself a few times, "Jesus loves me." Max looked at me oddly, wondering why I was saying this over and over. Probably wondering why I was breaking a rule: no talking during Mass.  I looked at Max and said, "Did you hear that, Max? Jesus loves you." He nodded his head but didn't seem to be listening. Again I pressed, "But do you believe that, Max? If there is one thing that God wants us to know, is that He truly loves us."

It was the only thing I heard during that entire homily. I didn't get to hear about the saints, I didn't get to hear about any special stories. I had been looking forward to it. But I did hear the most important thing: Jesus loves you.

Although Max calmed down, I was not able to get him to come out of our little hiding place so I asked someone to give Communion to Max in the little crevice and they complied. I was thankful. I felt so separated from the Mass and from everyone else that I was worried we would be forgotten, but we weren't. It was as though Jesus was saying, "I can see you and I'm coming!" :-)

That whole Mass we spent in a hallway, not really able to follow much. But we stood when we knew the parts to stand and sat when we should sit. We knelt during the Consecration. Because even if we couldn't hear or see, something big was still happening in the church.

I don't think I ever followed the Mass as well as I did that day, stuck in a little hole in the church. I learned a little bit of what the saints went through: to work off of desire and effort to want to be with God. Though I'm far from a saint (so, so far), yesterday made me feel that it's possible to become one. We can become Saints if we desire. God has already given us the go-ahead to do so if we want--He's just waiting for us!

I left Mass wondering what the homily was about. II asked Dennis about it on the way home and he told me that Fr.Gregory told a couple stories about some saints. And you know what he said? He said, "But more than anything, it was mainly about how Jesus loves us."

Ah, the one line I heard was the crux of the message as it always is. I felt gifted that day, to hear the most important thing of all: Jesus loves us! No matter what, no matter where we are in our spiritual lives, saint or sinner, Jesus loves us!

And I heard this with my son as we sat on a bench in our little crevice, Jesus loves us. The most important thing He wants us to know: He loves us.

When we know this, when we truly believe it, we will have no choice but to fall madly in love with Him back. And that is how we will become saints.