Called to forgiveness--again

Yesterday was an opportunity to forgive someone and yet, this person has committed the same offense over and over, and it is getting hard to forgive. I told this person that the word "sorry" was beginning to not mean anything to me. I just didn't have it in my heart to forgive anymore. I felt used, always assuming that I would forgive.

I had a really hard time sleeping last night. When I finally did get to sleep I was wakened two hours later with a bad stomach ache that kept me up. This game me opportunity to think about what I said and my refusal to forgive.

1. If I don't forgive, will Jesus forgive me for my sins?

2. If I don't show mercy, will mercy be shown to me?

3. "Father forgive them, they know not what they do." (Luke 23, 24) Boy, how true is this. Is this why we are so reckless with one another? Do we just really not understand how much we can hurt one another?  This led me to...

4.  Choosing to not forgive is another way to hurt, or punish the offender is a sin.

Still, I was tired of being used as a confessional box. People can't just go to me and dump all their sins there and expect to be forgiven. Can they?

This made me stop and think. Perhaps this is exactly what we're supposed to be. Perhaps we are the nearest "confessional box" that some people will ever get to. Perhaps this is the only way they will see mercy. Called to forgiveness.

If I stop the mercy, refuse the forgiveness, then they won't see love. And even more, how can I expect to be forgiven for my sins? How many times have I hoped to be forgiven?

I remembered an incident that happened earlier that day, when I got very angry at one of the kids. I do not want to get into it; it was not my shining hour. But afterwards, I gathered the kids and apologized for my behavior. I was hoping for forgiveness, which they gave to me.

We talked about anger and how it can be hurtful to others. It leaves us with a gaping wound of regret.
It leaves us feeling worse, not better, because there is sin there, and sin hurts.
And then we talked about meekness and humility and how that is the opposite of anger. Humility is remembering our own weaknesses which helps us to forgive others. We all need more humility and meekness in our lives.

This got me thinking in the other direction:

1. How many times have I offended someone with the same sin that I fall into?

2. How many times have I asked to be forgiven?

3. How many times have I felt nervous, hoping to be shown mercy, even though I know I didn't deserve it?

4. How many times have I been turned away?

The answer to that is zero. Perhaps I've taken it for granted too, used someone to be my confessional box, hoping--even knowing--that this person loves me enough to give me a second chance. Or third, or fourth.

And the biggest of all--if a person offends you over and over with the same offense, it is a weakness. Not a weapon to tear you down. That person--the one I am thinking of--needs prayer, not anger.

I guess I don't need to tell you that I've chosen forgiveness, once again. I'm no hero or martyr for it. I've only forgiven because I know that I need it as well. An increase of humility and love too, that I may choose to keep my confessional doors wide open.