Finally, a new normal

My laast post has been on my mind and I just wanted to jump in to clarify that if it came across like I'm depressed and suicidal, I'm not. At least, I'm not suicidal. And I don't think I'm depressed, though I've had my  low moments of sadness and depression, but I always come out of them. But in between those moments, I feel fine and actually back to my normal self, for the most part. My reference to being ok with dying, even though it sounds pretty bleak and self-pitying even, it actually was not bleak at all. I tend to be a person that panics with my heart, and the fact that I felt at peace with the thought of possibly dying at that moment (though I didn't really think I was) was actually huge for me. At that moment, I felt ok with just putting everything into God's hands and letting it all go.

But look, I survived, so I guess there was nothing medical at all except just exhaustion. That, and I ate two snack sized Skittles and I think that gave ME a low blood sugar, giving me a sugar crash and making me very sleepy. Now I know a little of what diabetic feels like (without the shaking.)

I am going to try to lay off the blogging for a bit, I feel like I've come to a place where I don't need to constantly update unless I feel like it. I know that everyone isn't really in the same place as I am and probably is ok without getting a weekly (or daily) update. I know these past weeks have been a lot about me, and I'm trying to get away from that and bring it to God instead. Again, I need to put in a plug for Our Lady of Sorrows--pray to her in your troubles! She gives great promises for those who daily recite her rosary with devotion and reverance.

But before I sign off, I will give one last update about Max. It's been on our mind to teach Max how to take care of himself with the diabetes. It just would make things so much easier, mainly for him. Me, I probably would feel more in control with taking care of it myself, but I know that it's better to "teach a man to fish, rather than give him a fish for a lifetime." We haven't been rushing things, but I've been looking for little signs and clues that Max is "getting it" as far as knowing what to do to self-treat himself if having a low. If he can do this consistently, then I would feel better about giving him a pump to regulate his insulin.

But then today I get a call from the school that Max has a high blood sugar of 240. This is the highest he's been in a while and I was surprised to hear it. Apparently, he was feeling the effects of high blood sugar and decided to self-treat by taking MORE sugar. He had already been running a bit high that morning and I forgot to give him his correction dose (to put him back to normal) and only gave him his insulin to cover the carbs he was going to eat, so he was feeling a bit high. But, still being so new to this, he didn't know he was feeling symptoms of high blood sugar, and thought he was feeling low blood sugar. I had told him in case of emergency only, that he should just eat a pouch of fruit snacks (15 carbs) and then tell the teacher he needs to go to the nurse. But this would be for when he feels really low, like 50 and under. I don't want him to force himself to walk the long distance to the nurse if he is that low and risk passing out or seizuring. But instead he just ate a pouch of fruit snacks and made himself even higher.

I can't blame him here, it's only been 3 weeks since his diagnosis and i don't expect him to never make a mistake. But I guess it makes me feel even more nervous that he might over-correct himself when having high blood sugar. It makes me feel even more like I need to watch and control him, and I know that's not good for either of us.

I know it will happen one day, it is just hard to know if and when that will ever happen. With Max still being in his honeymoon phase (a phase of a "false normal" that has no predicatable end to it) things are actually pretty easy to control, but when it's over, things are going to become complicated real fast.

So that I guess that's just how it is and this is the "still adjusting" stuff that I keep referring to. It's like just when you think you have adjusted and are getting the hang of things, it all changes.

But all is good otherwise and perhaps, now I can finally say that we've found our new normal. I don't wake up anymore with diabetes being the first thing on my mind, and other than my disappointment with his therapy the other day, I haven't cried about diabetes in a while. I've finally finished repainting the living room and we got the new shutters and it looks fantastic. Everything is so cheerful and bright now. It's such a contrast to the winter we've been having. And next week, we will have three dogs over for training. I am both looking forward to it and dreading it.

Valentines Day too, was normal. I asked a friend who has a daughter with T1d and is diabetic herself and asked what I should give Max for Valentines candy. She said "Give him the real stuff!" So I did, and it actually worked fine. He just eats in moderation and lumps it in with his meals.

So, unless something goes downhill again, I am signing off for now and will update soon--with pictures of the living room. (Ha, you thought I was going to say Diabetes, didn't you?)