In two days, we will finally be getting a CGM for Max! I think I'm the only one in this family who is truly excited about this, but soon everyone's going to be happy. It means a little more normalcy that we knew before, and it also means some peace of mind.
If I haven't explained what a CGM is before, it stands for Continuous Glucose Monitor (or Meter). It's a device that you wear on your body that constantly is monitoring your blood sugar and sends you updates every five minutes. This means no more pokes.
Honestly, the fact that he won't have to poke his finger anymore (or at least not as often) isn't really my cause for celebrating, although of course I'm happy he will be spared his blood. For me, it's the worry. In order for you to understand the worry, I think you would need to live a life of diabetes or have a loved one that has it. Preferably someone type 1---not that type 2 has nothing to worry about. But their diabetes usually tends to be easier to control (depending on the person of course.)
The CGM will ease so many of my worries, even eliminating many of them. One of them being Max having a low during the night.Most of the time, our blood sugar goes low during the night because we aren't eating. For diabetics, this can be dangerous. It is hard and scary for me to give Max his "backround insulin" (slow-acting release insulin) because we give this at night. I worry that it will make him go too low during the night, although I've been told that it's too slow acting for that to happen. The CGM will track his blood sugar all night, alerting us to any dangerous lows (or highs) that he may be having so we can wake him up to treat him.
I can't even explain what this feels like to me, to have this worry gone. Worrying about whether or not Max will either fall into a coma and pass away in his sleep is a DAILY concern for me. There isn't one day that has gone by since his diagnosis that I have wondered if Max made it through the night. This sounds morbid and depressing, I know, but like I said, until you live this life, you have no idea the crazy thoughts and worries that go through your head. Especially days when Max sleeps in and he doesn't make an appearance for breakfast. I never send the kids downstairs to wake up Max because I'm afraid they will discover him dead. Instead, I go downstairs and I cautiously open the door--first smelling the air for the smell of death. Then I check his feet, because he has to sleep with the covers over his head, making him look even more like a corpse which doesn't help. I look at the feet for any mottling. And it's always a relief to see pink, healthy feet!
Yep, I know what you are thinking! How horrible that she does this! You might even think I'm being overly dramatic, but I'm not, because dying in your sleep is a pretty common thing for people with diabetes. Guys, I can't explain this in a way that won't make me sound neurotic. You have to live this life to understand what it's like, to know that each night when you say goodnight to your son, it may be the last time that you do. The first few weeks after Max's diagnosis, I barely got any sleep. I worried constantly that he would run too low. I would wake up multiple times wondering if we should check on him, but worry for disturbing his sleep made me wait until morning. This meant waking up nearly every hour, waiting for morning. It was a horrible way to live, constantly in worry and fear.
Eventually, I learned to hand Max over to God each night, and I still do this. When I finish blogging, I'll be turning in myself and will have to pray again that God will "keep Max safe" as I always pray. And at the same time, releasing him into God's hands that it may be that one day, God may take Max. It's only because of this daily surrender, that I can get any sleep at all. I can't say that it's easy, but it's helped me to trust and find a little peace.
But the CGM is an answer to prayer. I've been waiting for this answer! I now have a "babysitter" that will monitor Max as he sleeps. If he dips too low, it will wake us up to give him some sugar. If it spikes too high, it will wake us up so we can give him insulin. And yes, ideally, this should be his own responsibity. He will have a monitor as well to wake him up. But it's always good to have a back-up, in case he doesn't wake up.
And it's not just about nighttime. I worry about activity and stress. Because too much activity and stress can make your blood sugar fall low. It can be treated easily, but there are times when the blood sugar won't go back up. And, I've heard that there are times you can't get your blood sugar to go back down when it's running too high. So far, this hasn't been a problem for Max, since he's still in his honeymoon stage.
The CGM means that I will be able to sleep at night (at least until the alarms go off.) It means no more scary lows (or at least, less of them.) It means catching the lows that go too fast. It means much more safety for Max.
And yes, it means no more finger pokes! It means just glancing at the meter instead of pulling out the meter, test strips and all that stuff just to figure out if your are normal or not. It even means no more bloody test strips lying around. A lesser evil but still.
It means getting a little bit of normal back.
I'm very excited, as you can probably tell. Max doesn't understand what the big deal is yet, but he's in for a treat.
I may even do a video of us inserting it into for the first time (if he lets me.) We will see.
Just two more nights of this feeling--the feeling of taking a risk, walking without a net. And so I end this now as I end every night, "Dear Lord, please keep Max safe tonight."
Amen.
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