It is also painful to see how badly I live my vocation. This is what came to mind during adoration yesterday, as I was struggling with my restlessness to be there. Vocation of wife and mother. I realized I don't even think of it as my vocation but as a job or duty.
When I think of "vocation" I tend to think of priests, nuns and brothers. They seem like they have a vocation, not me. Their life is set apart from the world, organized in a way that makes it possible to live a holy life. Not mine.
My goal in life is to take care of my family and yet somehow not kill them. I'm supposed to be an example of virtue (how to be patient, how to deal with stress, that sort of thing) but I've done anything but that. How many times have my kids seen me get impatient with them, snap at them, snap at my husband, even at times, throw things that are in my way. I have shown them how to be stressed, not patient. My life is not at all organized though I wish it were and I have tried hard to organize it by priority. It feels impossible, quite frankly.
All I have are desires but no good works to show for it. I have emptiness but perhaps not so empty that God can fill me up. There are still blocks and barriers in my soul, things I haven't given over completely to God that is making it difficult to be filled with His peace. This is my Lent this year. Painful.
As I sat there in that hard pew, in that really silent church, wondering how on earth I was supposed to live the life of a Mother Theresa in the Arganbright household (like trying to fit a square into a circle), I said (in my heart): "Here I am, Lord. Your servant is listening." I've heard this in a Bible verse, not sure where, but it seemed like the thing to say.
But then I thought, am I truly a servant? Am I truly willing to serve?
Again, that desire of wishing I were a willing servant but knowing that I'm not. Maybe this is why I struggle with thinking of my life as a true vocation, because I haven't been thinking of it in that way.
Always wanting to be straight with God, I said, "Ok. Here I am Lord. I'm listening." But this didn't sound right either.
The Bible verse came to mind:
For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ (Matthew 23: 35-40)
Yes, my life is a vocation and the verse above is how to live it as such, to be a servant to my family. In this, I will find peace and joy.
But when kids are throwing fits because they don't want to go to school or husbands are getting in the way because they informed you they are taking the day off of work, thus ruining your only day to yourself (Fridays are usually my "day off" from my family, when everyone is at work and school) it is hard to find peace and joy in that. To me, this means more work. More serving. This is not always fun!
It will be a process of learning to serve, I know. I don't yet appreciate the work in serving and that's why I haven't yet found the joy. I still struggle with wanting time by myself, wanting my routine to always stay the same. Sometimes kids, dogs and yes, the husband, screw it up by asking or wanting more of your time, for whatever reason. It is here where serving truly becomes serving, but I struggle with it.
My vocation:
"When I was hungry, you fed me" -- feeding my family three meals a day. Not always easy, not always fun. Sometimes frustrating, especially when they don't like or appreciate you made for them.
"When I was thirsty, you gave me to drink." Of course, here I'm thinking of all the glasses I constantly have to wash, an annoying chore, when the kids say they are "thirsty" but they actually mean juice, not water, which means I have to "make more juice" (we do Crystal Light, the real stuff is too expensive.) But maybe Jesus was also talking about the spiritual needs of our soul and taking the time to tend to them. Making time to pray, teaching about love and mercy. Encouraging the kids to remember God in their day. And probably the hardest for me, to be that example that I know I'm called to be, of love and mercy. Taking a deep breath when I feel like screaming, saying a prayer, and showing my kids "this is how we act when we feel frustrated" or "this is how we act when someone is being hurtful."
"I was a stranger and you invited me in." This is an endless opportunity for me to listen to my kids problems, listen to Dennis's plans for the day or ask about his day at work. I usually am a good listener, but sometimes I am not willing to listen. Sometimes I feel too tired to listen or even care. There are times I know God is asking me to listen to my family, to take care of their emotional and spiritual needs. This is an area I have felt prompted to work on many times; to put down the phone or turn off the computer and "invite" my family into my "personal space", to listen to them and be there for them. Not just take care of their physical needs.
"I needed clothes and you clothed me" Haha, this is almost too obvious. Loads of laundry to put away. I abhore laundry. I avoid it. And so the pile keeps growing.
Maybe Jesus was talking in a deeper, more spiritual need. It seems that clothes are used quite a lot for symbolism in the bible. But maybe He just simply meant it in the literal sense as well. Anyway, I know where I'm slacking and so yes, I can think of the endless chore of laundry as a way of meeting the needs of my family, to make sure they are clothed well. Not just comfortbale enough, but also decent. (I am thinking of the pants that Luke wore to school today that had a huge tear in the knee. I told him to change, but he said he didn't have any clean clothes, ahem.)
"I was sick and you looked after Me." I am pretty good in this area, at least, I am at first. But after a while, when a sickness doesn't just hit one person, but goes through the long line of people in your family--or hits everyone at once and everyone is miserable--I am not so good anymore. I get tired of the sickness, the germs, the duration of whatever disease they happen to have. I get tired of the whining and complaining. I feel sick and tired myself. Just this past week, I had Henry home for a cold. He'd go to school but then the next day, he would be not feeling well enough to go. And I think the "not feeling well" but not truly sick is almost harder, in a way. The kids may not be well enough to make it through an entire day of school but not sick enough to not be a bother at home. In fact, the "not feeling well" usually makes my kids tired and cranky and I find myself having to find a way to entertain them or cheer them up. This can get tiresome when you were hoping for a day to yourself to either catch up on cleaning, run some errands, or just simply have a day to yourself. Yes, the "serve the sick" is full of opportunities to be charitable, but hard to do.
"I was in prison and you visted Me." There are many types of prisons, not necessarily the one that most of us try hard to avoid where we are literally behind bars. There is the Prison of Discourgment, the Prison of Depression, The Prison of Self-Pity, and even the Prison of Narcissism. When the kids or Dennis enter into any of these prisons, it is hard to wait it out with them, to not abandon them. It is difficult to be patient when someone is being difficult or doesn't know they are hurting you. It's difficult to have the charity to love and understand that person when they are in their prison. Sometimes, I even find myself thinking that they didn't get into that prison all by themselves. Maybe they deserve to be there.
But of course, I have my own prisons and I know how lonely it is to be going through a difficult time and to not have anyone understand you or being waiting for you when you finally break free. I do try to wait it out with people, but it's hard.
Well, in a nutshell, this is how I realized that I do have a vocation, that I am called to serve, and that God has already prioritized and organized it all out for me. Now I just have to do it.
Before leaving my hour, I said, "Speak Lord, your servant is listening." Yes, I am a servant called to serve God through my family. I can do this. I can!
It is what we're all called to do and our perfect path to heaven. If we can do this, to serve with love, we will be the Mother Theresa to our family. We can be Christ to one another.
It's not just a nice thing to say when we're feeling down. It's what we are called to do.
No comments:
Post a Comment