Depression really isn't a choice, it's just there. It's not like a bad mood you can shake off. It's this unwanted visitor that comes and makes you feel down, sad, moody, tired and irritable. Like never ending PMS.
Depression even comes in different levels: mild and severe and those come in different times of my life too. For instance, I know that darkness affects my depression. Nightime is when I tend to struggle the most with dark thoughts, and too many rainy days or cloudy/cold days is bad too. I once worked the night shift for a month, and it was probably the worst period of depression I have ever had. Being in a perpetual state of darkness and quiet, and then sleep deprived on top of it, is the worst thing you can do for someone with depression. I can't even begin to describe how horrible it was but when I quit my job a month later and went on a regular day shift, the deression lifted. I probably should be one of those people that lives in perpetually warm and sunny states, like Florida.
Sometimes Depression can get so bad that it puts you in a literal survival mode--the same one as what our bodies do in a life threatening situation. To stay in deep depression for too long is like staying in hypothermia too long; it clouds your judgement, makes you sleepy, and leads you to death. For this, I have a little "survival" plan that I use when I am feeling depressed. I don't follow all these guidelines/rules all the time but I try to at least use some of them. They are like a rope out of my depression. Here they are:
- Stick close to the Sacraments. This one I'm not great at, but I am trying to do better. I struggle a lot with my conscious when I'm feeling depressed, so Confession is great for this. Puts clarity and perspective back in to clear up some of the cloudy confusion that comes with depression. It's very easy to blame others when you feel depressed and not even realize it, and this is where the counsel of a good priest helps. I want to also try to start making it for daily Mass. I think receiving the Eucharist would really help me. It's hard to do this because of getting kids to school and having dogs here. But I keep thinking that this would probably be very beneficial to me not just in my spiritual life, but just for my overall well-being.
- Force yourself to smile, be cheerful for others. This one is really hard and I'm not good at it. When you are feeling so down, sad, and tired, the last thing you feel like doing is smiling. This morning was another tough morning with sadness and it was so hard to not be irritable around the kids. I tried though. That is all I can do sometimes even if I don't succeed. I guess the biggest motivator for me is that I don't want others to feel sad, so why spread the gloom?
- Prayer. I pray a lot about my feelings to God and this helps a lot. It also helps me from doing self-pity posts on Facebook that no one would want to read anyway. Facebook is a terrible place to get sympathy and understanding. This is what I used to do, and I would always feel even more alone because people hate posts like this and just scroll on by. I have some opinions on that, but that is for another post. :-) But God doesn't mind your gloomy thoughts or your complaints. He can take it. He doesn't get disgusted with your weakness. And He helps me get through it. I've never had a prayer that I felt went unheard when I go to God with my sadness.
- Get busy. When I'm battling depression, I try hard to distract myself with being busy doing something else. Usually it's just the normal things I have to do anyway, but I work even harder at getting it done and try to stay off of social media, as that tends to make me feel more tired and depressed. For instance, I try to get one thing off my list that has been bugging me. Like working on the front yard garden. I feel embarrassed with the way it looks and having customers come make the embarrassment even worse. So getting out and working on that, doing something productive, makes me feel good. Plus, the sunshine gives you Vitimin D which is really important to fight off depression anyway. If the day is too cold or rainy to go out (dark gloomy days make it even harder to fight depression), I try to work on one of the kids bedrooms and get it nice looking again. Guilt is something I struggle a lot with, and I feel a lot of "Mom guilt" that my kids rooms are so smelly and yucky and that we aren't good about cleaning them. So that is one thing off my list that I don't have to feel guilty about anymore, and actually, I end up feeling good about myself.
- Help someone else. If the opportunity comes up, I try to help someone that is in need or want of help. This one can be tough because sometimes it's hard to make time to go out of your way to help someone. But when I can do this, I always feel better. It feels good to help someone and it takes the focus off of yourself. I usually end up seeing things in a much different way when I help someone else in their struggles and realize we all hurt and struggle in our lives. I don't feel so alone in mine.
- Exercise/make time for yourself. Exercising is tough for me, it's a gamble because of my heart. Though my heart is healthy, it still operates like an old woman's heart and I guess it always will since I continue to get older too. I'm not saying I can't exercise at all but I have to be careful about what I do and when I do it. If I exercise in the morning--my best time since I have the most energy at that time---I tend to be all done in for the rest of the day and that's difficult when you still have a lot of "mom things" to do. But if I try to exercise in the afternoon or evenings, I've usually used up all my reserves or I'm too busy. So my exercise for now is taking the dogs for a walk, and even this helps a little. Exercise gives you happy endorphins. I used to exercise a lot and this was my main way of staving off depression.
I also try to make some time for myself to do something on my own or just have quiet time. Sometimes this is all I need. I love to watch shows on Youtube because there's always something interesting to watch and the shows are usually short. Learning more about diabetes, or watching tornado videos relaxes me, as weird as that sounds. Just putting my focus on something other than wife, mom, and dog trainer duties. Something that has nothing to do with my life.
- Try to do at least one "religious" thing a day. I have a hard time making time for God, and I'm always working on this. Rather than try to commit myself to a rosary--which can be difficult to find time for, as horrible as that sounds, I try to at least do one religious practice a day. Sort of like my "effort" to God. Compared to many out there, I know that this sounds kind of pathetic, and maybe it is. But I feel that this is where God wanted me to start, just one thing, something small and simple--yet sincere--that I can do. Like anything else that we start, we usually don't start off big, we start small. So for today, instead of waking up and checking email and social media like I normally do (a terrible way to start the day, like eating pizza in the morning), I said my Morning Offering. Not to say that I can't do more later on if I feel led to, but this was one thing I absolutely commited myself to doing, and it felt great. I intend to do this every day, and then hopefully slowly build up my spiritual life in time. We need God in our lives and it's so easy to say this but so hard to do. Admittedly, I am selfish with my time and very self-involved with my own life so it's easy to forget God during the day--so easy to go to Him only when we're having trouble with something. But God knows this and so He says, do one thing to remember Me during the day, and this effort alone will be enough. He will make my "one fish" stretch to many fish that will take care of my spiritual needs. Over time, I can muliply my fish.
- Focus on who you want to be, not on who you are. If I focus on who I am right now, or where I am in my life, I only sink further in my depression. Too many failures and setbacks, too much reality. It looks very bleak and grim and even nearly impossible to do better when you already feel like a failure. But when I think on who I want to be--a Saint--this gives me hope. Why? Not because I think I have the makings to be a Saint, not because I think I'm holy enough to become a Saint, but because I already know that this is what God wants too. And if we both want it, then it becomes possible. Even if it feels impossible. I mean, I might as well want to be an Olympic gymnast when I have never done a successful cartwheel in my life. Or become an astronaut or the President. None of these goals are realistic or acheivable for me. But becoming a Saint is realistic and acheivable for me as well as everyone. To me, not becoming a Saint makes my life a waste. I can't imagine being happy in heaven if I haven't become a Saint on earth. I want this because I know it's possible, because I know it leads to ultimate happiness and it will bring me straight to heaven. I want this because it's possible, and that brings me hope. And hope brings me joy, which brings me out of depression.
So for now, this is what I do when I feel depressed. Again, I don't do everything on the list but I do at least do one or two of them and it does seem to help a lot. Sometimes, calling someone to talk helps too. But other times, it makes it worse, so that's why it's not on my list. :-)
And now, I need to go run an errand and get yapping dogs out of their kennels. I took a little "me time" to write out this list; using one of my strategies for coping with depression today.
No comments:
Post a Comment