More adjustments, knowing who you can trust and who you can't trust

I've hit another low again, but waited to post until I felt myself coming out of it. (You're welcome.)

All it takes is something to trigger it and the surprise and hurt hits me all over again.

Not only that but I believe very strongly that with any new test in our life, God gives us a special grace to handle it, but He also allows the devil to tempt us at times. Especially when I consider when Jesus underwent His own test in the desert, God allowed the devil to tempt for three days.

Last night, I was especially tired. With this new low, came exhaustion. I was so tired that I even wondered if I might be dying. I wasn't sure if there was something going on with my heart or not, but I decided that if so, it was the most peaceful heart attack I ever had. I was totally ok with dying on the couch if it was my time. I could barely open my eyes and somehow made it to bed. I was convinced that I would sleep the whole night through.

And yet, every time I drifted off, a worry about Max hit me. It was almost like being poked awake by someone. This time the worry was about Max being so close to being 18--totally independent, and me and Dennis no longer having a say in his medical care--something I never even thought about before. But every time I shrugged it off and began to fall asleep again, the anxiety would jolt me back awake. Whatever sleepiness had come over me, I don't know--whether it was medical or just exhaustion, who knows. But these worries were just as sharp as being stung in the middle of the night by a mosquito that found it's way through the covers. The more I was jolted awake, the more the sleepiness would leave me.

What triggered all of this anxiety all over again was when Max's therapy, Cedar House, put down some strict rules for Max and took away many of his priveledges. Before, they would do a once a month visit to Dairy Queen for an Blizzard--now they said they can't do that anymore. (Not even let him bring it home to eat it here.) Before they would stop at a gas station and let Max pick a snack--now they won't let him do that for fear of him picking an apple. (Yes, the were worried about a stupid apple.)  Even though Max understands what has carbs and what doesn't and knows how to look on the niutrition label if he doesn't know. And when he went to group last Tuesday, they ate all sorts of junk food and cupcakes, while Max stood there and watched.

He came home hurt and angry and threw the first fit since being diagnosed. I had been waiting for it to finally hit him but didn't think that Cedar House would be the one to trigger it.

I tried to work with Cedar House, asking them if they wanted me to sign a liability release or have the doctor send a note but they refused. All they said was that he could simply bring his own food from home if he wanted a snack. (I am tempted to send him with an apple--just to prove to them he can eat it!!)

So the place we trusted most to help us was the one that disappointed us the most. We quit services with them but Max still wanted to continue, despite not having priveledges, so I had to eat my humble pie and ask for individual services but not group. Dennis and I put our foot down for group and parites, knowing that it would be too hard for Max to have to watch everyone eat that food around him. I still don't even want to do individual services because I'm so angry at Cedar House but I won't make punish Max just to get my "revenge."

So this is what sends me into an unexpected "low"; the feeling of not being understood, not being supported by people I trust. It's been tough not becoming bitter and angry.

Again, in these lows I go to Our Lady of Sorrows. She understands it all!