These past few blood tests, Max has been running low. We had our first low number yesterday of 83, then 76, which were bad enough. But today he went all the way down to 53 and this was very scary. To think that there are lower numbers....I'm not sure how to face that.
Thankfully, we were at the doctors when it happened. We had a drs appointment for Luke, who was scheduled for a med check when Max began to complain of feeling shaky. "Yeah, he is shaky, look at his fingers!" Luke said.
Seeing that we had been through this twice before, I didn't get too concerned but I did tell Max to check his blood. Thankfully, I had a last minute thought of bringing our finger poker before we left. Otherwise, the school has the extra one but I figured we should bring ours, just in case.
By the time we finally got Max's finger poked, he was down to 53, shaking, flushed and diaphretic. I was so surprised at the low number that I could hardly think straight but I was trying hard not to panic. Thankfully, that's when the doctor walked in and we explained what happened. I gave him a fruit snack and the doctor went and got him a Coke and even though the doctor said Skittles weren't necessary, I snuck two of them to Max anyway, when she wasn't looking. Fifteen minutes later, he was back up to 107, which is a good number.
The appointment was for Luke, but it was really hard to get my focus back on him and not keep casting anxious glances at Max, who was recovering, lying down on the table. I noticed the doctor giving some anxious looks as well.
Later, we put a call out to the diabetes nurse who adjusted Max's dose of insulin, guessing that it was too high. She said it was very common to keep making adjustments, especially in the beginning.
But all I could keep thinking was, how long are we going to have to live like this?
I mean, I know it sounds very selfish to just be thinking about me, and maybe it is, but a mother's heart can only take so much. I know ups and downs is just a part of diabetes, and you have to make adjustments accordingly and eventually you do get used to it. But right now, at that moment, it didn't feel like we would ever "adjust".
Later, after the appointment, I had to drop Max off to school. It was his first day trying out school lunch since he's been diagnosed. So that means the first time of a new routine of stopping at the nurses's office, counting carbs, getting insulin and then eating. I hadn't been too nervous about it until the super low number at the doctors, and the last thing I wanted to do was drop Max off at school, even though it was only for a couple hours. I wanted him safe at home with me.
But obviously we can't live like that. I know that. I know it in my heart that we have to keep living our lives. But there are moments when it's just so hard to keep trying to have a normal day after such a scare.
When I got home, I finally got myself some lunch, put on a show, but couldn't concentrate on it or taste the food. It felt like I was trying to swallow cotton balls. All I could think was, "What if he has another low number and can't make it to the nurse's office?"
I put Max into God's hands once more because there is nothing else I can do. There is nothing anyone can do or say that will put my heart at ease, but I know that I can put Max in God's hands. And if He decides to take him, then that was the best thing for Max, as hard as it is to see it that way. And at that moment, when I put Max "my treasure" into God's hands, the words formed into my mind, "It is the ultimate compliment to hold such a treasure."
Whether that came from God or just my own fanciful imagination trying to make me feel better, I don't know, but it did the trick. It made me feel better. There is no better compliment you can give God than trusting Him with your greatest worries, your biggest treasures and what matters to you most and letting Him take care of it for you. Trust is the ultimate compliment.
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