The Blues

Anyone got the blues? Lately, I do.

I'm not really sure what it is. Night time is the worst. I wake up often  with anxiety and then can't get back to sleep. The feelings of gloom and fear of the future can be overwhelming. During the day it's a little easier, since I'm too busy to be thinking, but irritability is what tends to overpower me at some point of the day. I get upset over little things, sometimes over literally nothing. I find myself alone in my room often.

On top of that, I find myself overly-sensitive, finding myself getting angry over emails from teachers or customers for rosaries. I end up asking myself, "What is my problem today??" I ask myself that a lot and never have an answer.

I do a lot of apologizing. Apologies to the kids, apologies to Dennis, even sometimes an apology to a teacher if I get too emotional in an email.

I find myself excited for the future of going back to work one day and terrified the next. Crying in the bathroom early in the morning for no reason. Emotional about every birthday and how the kids are growing up so fast. Depressed that I can never get pregnant anymore and yet at the same time, afraid that I will because I know I don't have the energy for a baby anymore.

Anxious about money. Thrilled with every small sale I get because that means a little less pressure to come up with money for the "extras" (clothes, haircuts, or presents for birthdays), but pressured and stressed to get those rosaries out on time (which never seems to happen anymore.)

Fatigue and tired every day. Needing a nap by two. Grumpy when I wake up.


I think guilt is the worst of it. I feel guilty for feeling this way. Guilty because I know others have it so much harder than I do. Guilty that we have so much and for some reason, it doesn't seem to be enough for me. Guilty for just being grumpy when I can't really explain why.

And then I think: menopause. I don't have it yet, but I know I'm pre-menopausal (premenopausal) and well on my way. I'm definitely at the right age for it.

I don't want to get old. And yet I feel old all the time. A tired heart does not help. A huge belly (diastasis rectis) limits my activities and makes exercising impossible. Starting a career in my 40's doesn't help either. I always feel like I'm working against time.

So I'm asking: is anyone out there? Supposedly a few people read this blog. I have no idea who they are. For all I know it could be spam.

But if it is PEOPLE that read my blog, can you please step out of the shadows and tell me if you have suffered perimenopause before? Have you taken anything for it? Did you go crazy, like I am, or just sit here and loathe yourself, like I do.

I don't want to feel this way. But I can't seem to help it.