Monday, February 13, 2017

A Google search: Why can't I trust God??

I'm making good progress with the kitchen cabinets. I wish I had a picture to show you, but I lost my camera. Already our kitchen feels bigger, brighter and cleaner.

Luke is heading back to school for a few short hours today. He still has "the thing", as we call it. I was hoping to have it fixed before he goes back to school but we are pushing on three weeks now. And though Luke doesn't want to go back, we both need some normalcy back in our lives. He asks what if kids tease him at school? The teachers have talked to the kids about it but we both know that there is no guarantee that there will be no teasing. Some kids just have it in them to tease. But we have to practice trust in people too.

Speaking of trust, it dawned on me this morning (no pun intended, haha), that all of this ironically happened after my big revelation that I don't trust God enough. Or perhaps, not at all, though I do try.

But yes, I remember Luke had just started his sickness--the cold and cough--that day when I went to confession to Fr.Gregory and we talked about trust. As I had said before, a lot more was revealed to me that day that I haven't shared. Personal things, that you would have no interest in. I remember when all this was revealed, Fr.Gregory looked at me and said very seriously, "You have some work to do." I actually got a little scared when he said that, because I knew it was true.

I took the little book that he gave me about wounds and read about trust. I asked God sincerely in that moment to help learn to trust Him.

It was a few days later that this "thing" happened and I began to worry. Another week went by with no improvement and I began to feel alarmed. A few more days, and pure panic that this would always be with him, and this panic hasn't left me, not for a moment. I go to sleep with it, I wake up with it. I am up often in the night, thinking and praying. I have taken moments for some serious crying, just trying to get this emotion out of me, trying to regain some sanity, and for a short while, I have relief. But it all comes back when I hear that tic.

This morning I woke up at 4 and couldn't get back to sleep. Worried about sending him to school, worried he would be teased. Just panicked, as usual. I tried to pray, tried to trust, tried to give it all to Him. I couldn't get any relief.

It's in those moments when I wonder where God is. When I'm trying to trust and I feel like He's not giving me what I need. I feel so confused in those moments; like I'm missing something. I know and trust that God is not a heartless God, that He loves me and loves Luke. So what am I missing? What is He trying to tell me?

Well, when all else fails and you can't get answers, I Google it. Yes, even on trust. I Googled "I can't trust God" and found an amazing article.

I hope you will read it. I experienced much consolation from it. Written by a nun who was under persecution for her faith, she wrote this letter to her sisters in code. It's been decoded and published for the rest of us who have problems with worry and trust to read.

A little excerpt:

As you try to see all things as coming from the hand of God, adore His designs. I would like to see you have more trust in Divine Providence. Otherwise, you will be suffering many disappointments and your projects will meet with failure. Trust, my child, only in God. Everything human is changeable and the one who is for you today will be against you tomorrow. You see how good our God is! We should have more confidence in Him every day and have recourse to prayer, not permitting anything to discourage us or make us sad. He has given me so much confidence in His Divine Will that I leave everything in His hands and I am at peace.

I think my fears have been displaced. Somehow, somewhere in my life, I started to hold God responsible for all the hurts I experienced. Unknowingly blaming Him for not protecting me and not being able to trust Him.

I haven't understood fully that it's the effects of sin that cause us suffering, not God. I know it in my head but have to remind myself often in my moments of distrust. To somehow gain some footing that God may allow suffering for our greater good, but He doesn't relish in our suffering.

In Luke's suffering somehow I am growing. I thank God that the suffering Luke is experiencing is a temporary thing. That it's not something like cancer. God has given us something little to suffer from. That is proof that He knows what I can handle (which apparently is not much!)

Read the letter and relish it. You won't be sorry.

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