During Reconciliation today, I had an interesting conversation with our priest about trust. I admitted to him that I have a hard time trusting people and keep them at arms length.
"Really?" He said, "That must make it difficult to trust God, then."
This hit me between the eyes because, unknown to the priest, I have never been able to fully trust God. I've always known this but never understood why. And after my heart attack, it was even more difficult to trust Him. I mean, He let me die. Yes, He brought me back, but it didn't feel like mercy to me. It felt almost like a cruel joke. It was confusing and it still is. It's always in the back of my mind about how Lazarus felt. Did he have trust issues? I mean, four days dead and then brought back to life!
Yet, I love Him. He knows that I love Him at arms length, but I love Him as much as I can. He loves me unconditionally despite this. He knows I haven't been able to trust Him fully, but He knows why, even though I haven't, until today. Despite not being able to trust God, I have felt His love for me like I am His favorite pet. I often compare myself to Zaccheaus from the Bible. I too, watch Jesus from my branch in my tree, far enough away to not get too close but still wanting to catch a glimpse of Him. And knowing of my fears and weakness, He reaches out His hand to me and says, "Come down from that tree! I'm going to eat at your house today!"
If we can't trust God, how can we trust anyone? If we find that we have a hard time trusting people, then how can we truly trust God? God and neighbor go hand in hand. Trust is universal, an unspoken agreement that you will trust someone even when they turn away from you. Trust that they love you even when you show them the worst of yourself. And trust in God that He is handling your life even when it feels like everything is crumbling around you.
I went to confession today to confess something rather small and came out with something huge. A big mystery to me in my life suddenly has an answer. A revelation why my prayer life has not been able to deepen, why my relationships with others tend to end rather easily and often. A rather painful revelation, but a merciful one. A chance to try to make it right.
Could it be that God wanted me to know this today? I found myself wondering this as the priest counseled me. Could it be that He wanted to show me what was broken in my relationship with Him? Would He really care that much? I felt deeply touched to be able to see God's love for me first-hand--me way up in my tree, with Him stretching His hand out to me.
For my penance, the priest paused and said, "I want you to say a prayer of thanksgiving to God today."
Me, like a dummy and thinking there was something more, said, "For what?"
"For this revelation He's given you. Because now the healing can begin."
There was more to this confession that I can't talk about. More wounds open. More revealed than I ever knew would be revealed. It was probably the most powerful confession I have ever had. Almost like Jesus Himself came down to say, "Now that's enough of this nonsense. Here's how it really is." And just laid it all out for me.
Gosh darn-it, I never know how to end these posts.
Just something I wanted to share. It was very special. And maybe you have some trust issues too, or maybe you don't.
It's good to know that God loves us so much that He will keep speaking to you even when you are too dense to listen. That is love.