I ran into a slump of depression for a few days last week. I just thought I would be doing better with my dog training. I have spent a lot of money on advertising (FB ads, Adsense ads, posters) and gotten zero results from it. I've also spent a lot of time learning about SEO (which is hard and a pain in the butt) with zilch reward. No bites, no nibbles, nothing. It's hard not to get down about things like that.
But, perspective. This week is a little different. Whereas last week I felt like I didn't even have the strength to lift my head much less keep a smile on my face, this week I can see things differently. I feel hope. I'm not sure where it came from, if I just came out of my slump or what, but I feel like things will eventually get better. Eventually I will get a client. I don't know how or where they will come from, and I'm not sure what else I can do other than what I am already doing, but if God wants this, He will have to bring the people. And the dogs.
Then I lost the diamond to my wedding ring. Oh, this was hard. I am extremely attached to my wedding ring. I do not get sentimental about things but with my wedding ring, I do. It is special to me. The first piece of "real" jewelry I've ever gotten, the first jewelry present from a boy. My engagement ring, my wedding ring, sauntered together as one. My engagement ring reminds me of happy times, easier times and younger times. I've lost it twice before and miraculously found it, but I've never lost my diamond before.
I was trying to get Ace to get downstairs and was pushing him because Henry the dog was still with us and Ace and Henry do not get along. I didn't realize that Ace was upstairs at the time so I quickly opened the basement door and shoved Ace downstairs. He resisted and my hand scraped against the doorframe as I shut the door. My ring took the brunt of it all and when I looked down, my diamond was gone.
We suspected it bounced down the stairs and landed somewhere in the basement. We swept the floor and looked through the dust pile, moved the dryer, sorted through the laundry, looked in every nook and cranny. But it's gone. Maybe one day it will show up but wherever it is, it's not visible to the human eye. I think that it may have fallen into one of the deep cracks alongside the wall of the house.
At first I was really upset. We spent three hours looking for the diamond. And of course, we prayed to St.Anthony, St.Joseph and Our Lady of Good Success. I called on my Dad, my grandpa, all the souls in purgatory.
But after a while, I began to think, why should I get my ring back? Why should I always have to get what I want? Shouldn't God ever be able to say no to something I want in my life? This came to me as Luke and I were looking for the diamond. I didn't want Luke to feel disappointed that our prayers weren't answered in the way we wanted, so I told him, "It might be that God wants something more from us in this." And I guess that's when it hit me. God was saying no to me at this time. For some reason, He wanted me to learn something more than getting what I wanted.
I didn't like it but I felt peace with this answer. I'm confident that this came from all the saints and souls that I called on for help. I know how silly it is to be so worried about a diamond when there are bigger things going on out there. But these saints once cried over silly things too. It's part of growing in holiness, learning how to accept God's "no".
That doesn't mean that I haven't stopped looking for my diamond or that I have stopped praying that I will find it. In fact, I have a novena to Our Lady of Good Success ('cause I'm gonna need it to find that diamond!) But I'm not frantic over my diamond. After all, I still have the ring and I'm glad I do have it. Diamonds can be replaced (although, I have no idea how we will save up for one seeing that it was $930.)
Two big disappoints this past few days! I know in comparison to many, these are small things. Maybe that's why God doesn't give me big crosses. But for now, it seems to be all that I can handle.
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