I have to admit it--sometimes I don't like my job as "dog trainer", which I feel very guilty about because it usually implies I don't like all the dogs I'm working with. I would be lying if I said I did. I don't.
There is one that is staying with us right now who is particularly challenging. He is a young adolecent dog, extremely hyper nearly all the time (although he does have his calm times and then he's very sweet.) I think the most annoying habit he has is that he refuses to go outside. I used to think it was the cold weather, but no, he just doesn't like to go outside. I have to literally drag him by his collar or scruff, toss him out the door and slam it shut before he bolts back inside. If I am lucky enough to close the door in time, he pounces on the door and yelps and barks like crazy. I walk away and then usually he will give up his tantrum and does his business. So he's quite happy to be outside when I force him--he just doesn't like giving up what he likes to do inside. Which is very annoying. And no, throwing treats outside doesn't work.
Yesterday we went through our usual struggle of getting him outside and guess what he did? As I grabbed him by the collar to force him outside, he squatted and peed. Yep, he did his business inside. Normally, this would be called "submissive urination" when a dog squats and pees in front of you, but this dog is not submissive at all. He's stubborn--very stubborn, and knew he had to go outside to pee, so he solved the problem by peeing inside. He got thrown out anyway.
I am just frustrated with dogs.
I hate that I get so frustrated and TIRED of them so quickly. I imagine that this is how teachers often feel about their job. Everyone just assumes and *expects* that teachers are going to love their kid and see all their wonderful qualities that they see, but have no idea that teachers might despise certain children or just struggle with liking them. I don't know if teachers ever feel guilty for feeling this way, but I imagine that maybe some do. I don't blame them, I get it. It is the same with me and other people's dogs. They all just assume I will bond as quickly with their dog as they have, but that doesn't always happen. There are some dogs like the one I just described, that I struggle with, and I can't wait for that dog to go home. At the same time, it's really important to bond with a dog or they don't learn to trust you. And if they don't learn to trust you, then they aren't going to listen to you. So it's difficult.
I just wish I were more like Sister Clare. She made a decision to change, and she did. I'm sure it didn't happen overnight and I'm sure there were struggles that we don't know about, but her decision stayed the same. She said, "I have to change my life." And so she did.
I need to change my life too. I need to change my attitude, the way I look at things. I get tired, frustrated and discouraged so easily. I've always been like this, always struggled with this. I've tried hard to change, I pray about it nearly daily. But it continues to be a struggle.
One thing I don't like about saint stories--they don't talk about the struggles they went through. I wish we could hear about those struggles, just to know if they are part of the process of sainthood.
I would imagine, that just like any other bad habit that we give up, there has to be a struggle. There has to be a "departure" of leaving that bad habit. And like most departures, it hurts.
Anyway, yes, I enjoy my job as a dog trainer. I don't enjoy all dogs. Most dogs that come here have behavioral problems and so, they aren't always pleasant to be around. They do add a lot of chaos to the day when things are already chaotic. There are times I have to force myself to kennel them in order to be a better person around them. And I hate that, because it's admitting a weakness to my impatience, fatigue, or whatever it is that I'm feeling at the time. It's hard to admit a weakness.
But like Sister Clare, I would also like to say "All or nothing". Making that decision to make a change and stick with it. No matter what the struggle, how fierce the fight, or how many the falls. I think God will give us the grace to keep going if we are firm in our decision.
"I will be your Mother, your Father, I will be your language, your country. I will be your Everything." --(Sister Clare speaking of her vocation and leaving her former life.)
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