Head spinning

Having ADD is like this: focus on an object in a room and then spin around in a circle for 30 seconds. Stop, and try to point your finger and keep it on that object while the room is still spinning. This is what ADD is like for me.

It hit me today, after another really chaotic morning breakfast, that I need ADD meds. I pray every night for "the grace" or whatever it takes, to be a cheerful person to be around in the mornings. But every day---every single day---it is the same. I am not cheerful. I am irritated.

I want to be a good mom and someone that is easy to be around. But I'm not. Every morning, it is the same scenereo of chaos and confusion. It's like Groundhog Day over and over.

I get up, say a prayer, start off with a smile, and end up in near-tears. By the time everything is done, I am dizzy, have a headache and am exhausted. I want to offer it up like the saints do, isn't that how they become holy? I remind myself that holiness is not an act, sainthood is not a role played; it is a process and there will be bumps--probably many--in the road of transformation. But every day is the same and I can't change. How did the saints do it??

And then it just hit me out of the blue: I need ADD meds.

See, anyone could have told me this (Dennis comes to mind, he says it often), but I would have rebuffed them because that's what I've always done when it comes to ADD medication. Just live with it, is what I've always said about myself. In some ways, I guess there was a pride there in being tough enough to handle it. But when it comes to my kids taking them--Max and Luke specifically--I am all for it. "They need it" is usually what I tell myself. I know what it's like to be on the other side of someone with ADD and it's not fun. But for some reason, it never occured to me what it's like for others to be around me when I have the same problem.

It's funny that after all these years of literally suffering--and yes, it is a true mental and emotional, sometimes even physical suffering because of the headaches and dizziness from high blood pressure--that I would only come to this just now.

But perhaps God was waiting for me to hit rock bottom, or get to the point where I was willing to listen to what He had to say.

I did not expect Him to say, "Get ADD meds."

I thought He would say, "Pray more." "Offer it up." "You are better than this." "It's only a human weakness, some suffering will burn that outta ya."

But not "Go get some meds."

Meds are a "quick fix", an Easy Button to problems. We aren't supposed to hit the Easy Button. We're supposed to trust God and pray, and pray and pray until the problems are gone. At least, this is the way I've always thought of it in the back of my mind. It's not something I consciously thought and not the way I would explain things to my kids or other people. I would always add something like, "but we should feel free to use modern tools/conveniences that will help us," or something like that. But for whatever reason, this wasn't the solution to my own problems.

God now says to me, "no worries, Becky, you still have a lot of problems that meds won't fix" hahaha.

Yeah, it's true. I still will need to work on being more organized and try to be pleasant to be around. I should probably try to get up at least 15 minutes earlier to let my head clear before launching straight into the fire. There's always stuff I have to work on.

But this morning, I am grateful for the little insight that may be the answer to a problem I've been struggling with for years now. Now maybe we can get somewhere in this sanctity business.

Moral of the story: humble thyself for the sake of others (and yourself) and take the little white pill.