God always gives me the opposite of what I want. When I want to be remembered, He lets me be forgotten. When I was to be understood, He allows me to be misunderstood. When I want to be surrounded by people, He lets me be alone.
Yesterday, I was supposed to help someone who was in need. I agreed to help because I really was the only one who was able to do it but I didn't want to. I prayed for a way out.
We woke up to a snowstorm and hollowing winds. I was so scared of going out in that storm that my hands were trembling with fear. I refused to go alone. I told God, "if you want me to do this (to help this person), you have to send someone with me." I asked a couple people for help, but they weren't able to. So I said to Dennis, "You're coming with me, and the kids are coming too." I fully expected him to say no, because he wasn't the one who could help this person, and I also knew that going out to do this favor would inconvenience his plans for the day. To my surprise, he said, "Ok, but we're not taking the van, we're taking the truck or else we'll wind up in a ditch."
When we were on our way, the weather got so bad that it was white out conditions and we were crawling on the highway. I said to Dennis, "I think we should head back." But he said, "No, we can do this." And on we went. We didn't get out of it. And I'm thankful for that, because this person truly did need the help.
Before leaving this person's house, she asked if it would be possible for me to come help her again the next day, which is today. Of course, I said yes, but inside, I was dreading having to go back. I felt really bad and selfish for feeling this way, but I couldn't help it.
Last night, she called to let me know it looked like she would need my help for sure because her regular helper didn't like traveling in snow. I thought this was a terrible reason but of course I kept that to myself. I just told her to let me know if she needed me and I would come.
This morning, I resigned myself to helping no matter what. I saw it was snowing and that this woman would probably need help so I got myself ready to go. As I was about to go out the door, the woman called and said that her regular helper showed up even though it snowed. I was actually a little disappointed that I wasn't needed. I was ready for good conversation and feeling good about helping someone in need.
It didn't surprise me too much that things changed so quickly because it seems that that is how God works in my life. He never really lets me have what I desire.. Which I guess means that I desire the wrong things or that I'm attracted to things that aren't good for me. Which also means that God looks out for the good of my soul and is always allowing me a little suffering (or a lot) to keep me on track. If I got everything I wanted, I'm not sure I would be set bound for heaven. I know I can't fly my own plane and keep on course without God to steer the plane for me. But still, it's hard sometimes. I struggle with loneliness especially during the times of missing my former friends. I used to have a social life years ago, but that was before I truly lived my Catholic faith and I got too "religious" for them. Things got awkward and pretty soon, I wasn't included in the circle of our friends as much or invited to go out. After a while, we just let things go naturally. But I do miss them from time to time. Our views were different but we had fun together. They were good people and fun to be around.
In my heart, I know my struggle will end when I totally surrender to God, when I want what He wants. When I actively seek His will every day. But as St.Augustine said, "My heart is restless until it rests in You, O Lord" and I too, find myself restless. But hopefully one day, I will learn how to rest in Him, to not longer resist what He wants or find a way for my own happiness. Hopefully that's what we all will learn to do. Or we're never going to be truly happy.
No comments:
Post a Comment