Thursday, September 14, 2017

Empty Nest

I remember I used to hear moms lament about their "empty nest" and I used to wonder what they were complaining about. More time on their hands sounded good to me! And yet, now I get it.

I have been having a hard time with my empty nest as well--although, it's only been two days since Henry started Kindergarten. I thought I would be fine but I've been surprised by the depression that has come over me. Since I dropped him off yesterday, I've had bouts of tears that don't stop. I can't go anywhere until my puffy face calms down and then just when I think I'm ready to get some errands done, one look of my empty house sets me crying again.

I have dishes to do but I don't want to do them.
I have tons of laundry to catch up but haven't even started.
I should work on marketing materials and getting ready to promote my business but I don't even feel like training. It's like a dark cloud has descended over my head.

With the kids, I'm Mom, Cook, Nurse, Problem-Solver, Spiritual Director, and even SuperMom sometimes. When they aren't here, I'm nothing.

Yes, I know I'm still mom but you know what I mean. I feel useless. I look around and just feel empty. I hope it won't be like this all year.

Contrary to my feelings, I am not moping around (well, not too much). Now that I have actually have some quiet around here, I can start my daily prayer time again. And today I've walked the dogs which I haven't done in months. (Usually Max walks them.) And I always have cute little Ruby to train.

The truth is, I have plenty of things to do. I just am not used to having the time to get them done. You would think this would make me happy....I still don't really understand it myself.

When Henry was going to start Kindergarten, he was saying how nervous he was and how much he was going to miss me. I had told him that if he wanted, I would stick around in the parking lot for a while, just so he knew I was still there. Of course, I was joking, but yesterday I was tempted to do just that. Not for his comfort, but for mine.

Me and Henry have never been separated since he was born. Not for one day! I love all my kids uniquely but me and Henry have had a bond since I was pregnant with him. Maybe it was because in the beginning, I didn't want to be pregnant with him. But by the end, he and I were best buddies even though I had never seen his face yet.

I remember when things were especially stressful with the pregnancy, I would go lay down in my room, and Henry and I would breathe together. I would watch my belly expand up and down and I knew that Henry was doing his "practice breathing." Those were special, healing times for me, and I'm certain that God gave us that special time intentionally.

Then he was born and grew up a little and he was always there. Always! Stuck by my side, which could be smothering, let me tell you. And just when I would feel like I had enough of him, he would sing that song that I still play in my head: "Me and Mom, best buddies to-gether! Me and Mom best buddies for-ever!"

So now I'm crying again. You see, I have to get out and do something. I need dogs to train. Where's a dog when you need one?!?

It is just hard, this new phase in my life. With all new transitions, they take time. Then you finally get used to it, and another one comes along. I'm assuming the next will be college, oy.

Yesterday, when I was dropping Henry off at Kindergarten, I was holding back tears, trying to be cheerful for Henry's sake. I could see all the parents were doing the same (because they all started crying when the kids went in the school, no lie!) There was a moment when I felt I wasn't going to make it with my brave face and I said a quick prayer to the Blessed Virgin: "Dear Mother, please hold my hand!" Then I thought for a moment, and I said, "No, don't hold my hand--hold Henry's." 
And maybe it was just my imagination or me just trying to comfort myself, but I heard a voice say, "I will hold both of yours."

So you see, as silly these tears might be, our Lady knows. I've taken much comfort in her as I ponder especially on the Presentation at the Temple. She knows all about giving things up for the glory of God. That I might be a little more like her and less attached to my children.

I need to go now. I've got things to do and kids to pick up, eventually. :-)

No comments:

Post a Comment