I listed off my sins as I always do, but also voiced a few complaints about some weaknesses that I have that I can't seem to overcome, no matter how hard I try. The priest that I went to was a very kind priest from Africa. I have been to him before. Sometimes his accent makes it difficult to understand him. But not this time--this time I understood him loud and clear!
He explained to me that all the sins I had confessed stem from selfishness, including the weaknesses that I complained about. The lack of generosity from my heart was creating problems in my marriage, as well as other problems. I guess I can't go into great detail without revealing too much of my personal life but I will tell you that this selfishness was like a clot in the heart, blocking the flow of blood to the heart.
When he put a name to my problems--selfishness, it was like the answer I was waiting to hear. This priest didn't know me as anything more than just a sister in Christ, and here he was calling me selfish. And I couldn't make the excuse like I do for so many people who have said it: "Oh, she's just angry" or "he didn't mean it, he was being emotional--therefore, it can't be true." And yet, here he was saying it because it was true.
Mind you, he was not mean or rude about it. He just simply diagnosed the problem. And as I said before, I needed to hear it. I knew it was true. As I always say about Confession: accuse, not excuse. It's all about facing the truth, not muddling it with excuses. I think deep inside, I knew it, but to hear it from someone else was conviction.
He emphasized how we need to focus on others--this keeps the focus off ourselves. Serving others is loving others. He gave the example of how there are times he wishes he could be off doing something else rather than sit in the Confessional for hours. But he does it for others.
After Confession, guess what happened? It snowed! Just a little bit, mind you. I was looking forward to getting snow for Christmas but it didn't look like it was going to happen. I even prayed for snow, but I don't think my prayers stood a chance compared to all those who were praying that it wouldn't snow. Anyway, I know it's dumb but I was so disappointed that I couldn't help crying a little. I really wanted that snow. But like grown-ups are supposed to do, I accepted that I would not get the snow I wanted.
So what a treat it was to walk back to the car after such a cleansing Confession, new awareness of self, an open wound with healing love and a plan to do things better, to look up and see snow falling from that sky! It was just a dusting of snow, but it still was there, falling from the sky--or falling from heaven, maybe. That's how it felt. Like God was giving me this special little gift--despite the fact that His girl has such a streak of selfishness in her.
Christmas Eve morning, I woke up and thought of all the work I had to do. I knew there would be many opportunities to practice selflessness and that there would be very little "me time." There were many expectations from the kids about presents and Christmas festivities. There would be baking and decorating the house. There would be Christmas Eve mass to go to and present opening later on, and them more wrapping presents for the next morning. The day seemed exciting but very long.
I had been encouraging the kids to give up their little sacrifices to the Baby Jesus for a warm manger (we've done the straw thing for the manger but my kids never took to it, so we just use our imagination) and I decided to do the same thing. That morning I prayed to Baby Jesus that I only wanted two things for Christmas--snow and a peaceful day. And if I had to choose between the two, then I would choose peace. I did not want fighting or arguments to ruin the day.
Well, we did get a peaceful day. We decorated the tree in the morning and had some rest time in between. I made a special dinner and we went to Mass, and then opened presents later. Everyone had a good time. There were no fights or arguments that day. Lucy told me later, "This is the best Christmas Eve ever!"
I was happy to get peace, and I was fine without getting snow. I knew people would be traveling anyway, so it probably was best we didn't get snow. But then, as we were opening presents, Dennis looked out the window and said to me, "There's your snow!"
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| Just half an inch, if even that, but still, it was snow! |
I was reminded that God can never be outdone in generosity. I gave him one gift, and He gave me two. Again, I felt it was a gift from heaven, because as St.Therese says (as someone that loved snow as well), "What mortal bridegroom, no matter how powerful he may be, could make snow fall from heaven to charm his beloved?”
And so, I can only explain these little gifts from God as a prompting and example to copy His generosity and selflessness. It all started that day in the Confessional when I had to see something very painful and ugly in my heart, and the moment I resolved to do something about it (by only the grace of God, as this habit is so concrete in my life) that He began to give me nearly whatever I asked for. Monkey see, Monkey do, right? Just like children, we need to see what we need to imitate.
This was my Advent and Christmas. Raw and open, a very good one indeed.
And now some pictures of joyfulness--although many of these pictures are blurry, the joy is not blurred out!
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| Christmas Eve, exchanging Secret Santa gifts |
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| Admittedly, far from "fancy" but the kids were impressed. Dollar Tree items. |
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| Me, trying to capture the snow on camera. Those are the Christmas lights on our house. |
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| Decorating the tree |
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| Our church's manger scene. No Baby Jesus yet! (This was taken on the 23rd) |
And so, this was my good Confession. So many of us our afraid of it--it is difficult to accuse, and not excuse. Difficult to face what we know--or don't know. And also a little scary of what may be revealed. Sin is like working with one arm tied behind your back; it makes every effort just a little bit harder.
But Confession is the shears that cuts that rope loose and suddenly you can function again. The truth does not just set you free--sometimes it catapults you across the room!
My little PSA to those who don't go to Confession often because they're afraid or they don't have time: Go anyway and let nothing stop you. Every time you go, you will be happier, because life gets a little bit easier. And you might just be surprised at how more freely God can act on your behalf.
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