But after praying about it for a while, and feeling some consolation, I again circled back through all my anxieties. And then I got this distinctive thought that this was not pleasing to God that I would worry so much, because I should trust Him. Yes, I should, and yet I went right back to my worrying again today.
Today I received some emails from school for "save the date" stuff and school preparation. And as my calendar began to fill up, I also remembered that Lucy is getting her braces on on the day of Open House, which will not be fun (three different Open Houses in one day, plus a miserable child who will probably have a sore mouth!) And the thought of her braces reminded me of her dentist appointment next week to get her three teeth pulled in preparation for her braces and my stomach tightened even more, because I am dreading seeing her pretty teeth full of gaps (though temporary) and putting her in that agony right before school. And thinking of next week reminded me that we're supposed to be shopping for a new van and I still don't know how it will all work with bringing all the kids along.
And then the butterflies and palpitations started again, and then the next thing I know, I feel sick to my stomach and close to tears.
But then as I stepped over Ace, who was sleeping on the floor, I remembered that God had answered my prayer of healing him. Ace had pulled his ACL and the vet wanted us to schedule surgery for him. A surgery that we couldn't afford ($8,000). Instead, we opted to let him heal on his own but we were warned that it would take about 6-8 month for complete healing.
It was difficult seeing Ace in pain so we prayed for his healing and now, only a week later, Ace only walks with a slight limp, whereas before, he couldn't walk more than a few steps. It might be that the vet was wrong and he only pulled a muscle but I still consider it an answered prayer since Ace is doing so much better and we now have the weighty problem of surgery solved.
And then I remembered how God had also taken care of us when our van broke down, and how He let it happen at my mom's house, when it could have happened on our road trip from WI. We could have been stranded on the highway for hours. God took care of us then too.
So it made me wonder why I have such a hard time trusting Him; He has taken care of us even at times we didn't think to call on Him. Why couldn't I just leave everything to Him? Why was it so hard to trust?
The answer that came to mind automatically was simple and honest: "Because I can't see You. I can't hear You. I can't touch You. Sometimes I can't even feel You. How do I really know You are there? How can I leave such difficult problems to You when it's so hard to believe? How do I know You will really take care of it? How do I know You are real?"
It's the first time I've been that honest with myself of my struggle to believe. And yet, even though I have so many logical reasons to doubt, I do believe.
In my spare time, I like to watch tornado videos on YouTube, even though tornadoes scare me to death. I think of it as therapy or something, helping me get over my fear of storms. Anyway, in the comment section, these videos never fail to have someone commenting about God. There is usually a person for Him and a person against Him. The person against Him is usually an atheist trying to convince the Christians that there is no God and the tornadoes and destruction are proof of that. And of course, the Christians speak up, as they should, in defense of Him. Though it sometimes feels like a losing battle, I have joined other commenters that God exists and is real. I have proven my faith in Him over and over again.
But at this time when I was so honestly looking at my lack of faith in God, I couldn't help wondering how I was different from these atheists. Yet, I did believe, I did have faith, though maybe it was small. That was the difference. The atheists did not believe at all. That is what a person who has no faith looks like. It scared me a little, because I don't want to fall into that road. I did believe, I do believe, I can take consolation in that.
All of this led me to my original question: If I do believe in God, as I say to myself and to those atheists, then why do I struggle so much to trust Him?
And just as before, with those very honest thoughts of weakness, I also suddenly realized that my struggle to believe is actually an act of trust. Every prayer that we pray, every problem that we bring to Him, is an act of trust. Choosing to believe even though we can't see Him, we can't hear Him, we can't touch Him, we can't feel Him. We could give up right here and right now, agree with those atheists that God is just a fairy in the sky. But we don't. This mustard seed of faith that we have, grows with every struggle that we have, every time we still believe even when it goes against human reason.
I believe that sometimes, a struggle to believe is part of the act of faith and trust. It goes against our human nature to believe in something "not real" to our senses. For the first time, I could understand why atheists think we crazy Christians are relying solely on our imaginations to believe in God. We are crazy! What we proclaim to be true is bizarre and totally crazy. And yet, not for a second can I believe that it isn't true. I know there is a God and I know that He loves us. But that isn't my act of trust.
My act of trust is leaving my problems with God and waiting for His answer, believing that the outcome to be for my own good, even if it causes me some suffering. Every time we pray, this is an act of trust. Sometimes this is a struggle. I don't always get a sense of peace of "everything will be alright". Sometimes my trust is challenged and I find myself wondering, "will everything be alright???"
And, "how will it be alright??" My question on "how" always reminds me that it is because of God, that it will be ok. I don't know how He will do it, but He will make it ok. Every time I look back on a prayer of the impossible--He somehow made it possible. He makes a tragedy into something good.
What I struggle with is leaving the problem with God and not continuing the worry. "My daughter, this is not pleasing to Me" is what popped into my head in adoration when I went through my list of worries again, after having already prayed about them. God knows we struggle with belief, but He doesn't want us to intentionally keep worrying right after we said we trust Him. This is intentionally choosing to not trust--insisting on sticking our finger in the wound for a little proof and human consolation. But Jesus said, "Blessed are they who have not seen, but believe." (John 20:29) We have to live the crazy life out here, believing in what we can't see, but knowing in our hearts what is real.
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