How I am doing

Since Max has been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes a couple days ago, I've been asked how I'm doing so many times. I am glad for the questions and concern but I don't know how I'm doing. Sometimes I don't know how I feel and then sometimes I don't know if I should be feeling how I do feel (when I understand the emotion; anger, sadness).

I struggle thinking I should be handling this as a saint would handle this; to pick up my cross and follow Him, to be joyful about this, and be saying all these good and holy things about how it will make us stronger. But, I'm not there yet. If anything, this has shown me that I'm weaker than I thought; not strong enough to smile about it or think of a nice platitude to say.

I do know that I hate to be fake. I will tell people how I feel. I can't hide emotion well either. So if I'm sad, I'm sad. If I'm angry, everyone knows it. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. But if I say I'm ok, then that is just it...I feel ok. Not great but not horrible either. We are managing.

I find myself struggling with a lot of anger. I don't even know who or what I'm angry at or what it is specifically I'm angry about.. I don't feel angry at God. I don't feel angry at diabetes. I guess sometimes I feel angry at my own ineptness (is that a word? I don't know.) I feel angry being thrown into something that is so not me (needing to be organized and calm). I feel angry that I am always coming up short with management techniques and the brains to understand all of this. Sometimes I feel angry at Max that he doesn't seem to understand we are doing our best (when he's impatient with us) or sometimes I'm just angry at him for being sick. I know this sounds dumb. I never express my anger towards him though. I take a deep breath and walk away if I need to.

I find myself angry at Dennis A LOT. Angry that he gets it, angry that he knows math better than I do or that he's further along in understanding diabetes than I do. Angry that he's handling this so much better than I am. There are times I have yelled at him for being so smart, so calm. It's not fair, I know. He's been pretty patient with me.


And then there are times when *I* finally understand something not because someone else figured it out for me but because I read about it and something clicked and it makes me feel good that I can explain it to Dennis. And then I feel bad because I think, is this just all pride on my part? Is this just a big ego trip I'm on??

And so the cycle of never ending emotions just keeps going like a wash machine going through the cycle of washing clothes.

I find myself hungry all the time but I can't really eat or find anythign good to eat. I force myself to eat *something* but I feel sick afterwards and I start wondering--do *I* have diabetes??

I sleep well because I'm so exhausted but when we have to wake up to give Max his insulin at night, I can't get back to sleep. I begin to think about diabetes and carbs and how much our lives have changed and wonder if it will ever be normal again.

So, that is how I'm doing. I think I'm doing ok.. I think I will do better every day that we go through this, learn more about it, and practice blood draws and insulin shots.

Max is doing ok but I can see him starting to wear down. I sense a blow up coming soon. He's starting to see how much things have changed and it's starting to get to him.

So keep praying but also, thank you for your prayers, questions, and concerns. I would feel so alone and forgotten without them. I'm not one of those people that like to take my journeys alone.

I found this video on a friend's blog, Lord Make Me a Saint. She is a type 1 diabetic herself and also has a daughter that was diangnosed as T1 when she was four.