I had Bruno over for about...oh, an hour. Things were going well and then suddenly went horrible. Bruno bit Max on the face. I keep seeing it replay over and over in my head, I can't shake the image. I feel responsible both as a trainer and as a mom. What have I done wrong, where did it go bad?
And well meaning people keep reminding me to get insured. I know it's done out of love so I do not take personal offense, but it's like salt in the wound right now--reminding me how incompetent I feel. (Yes, I am getting insurance as soon as I get the money!)
I still stand by it. Bruno was not a bad dog. And the bite that happened was not because he was a Pit bull. It was because he was an under-socialized dog, kept hidden from the world. He was never allowed to experience life at all, for whatever reason that was. I try not to be judgmental of the family, simply because Joey was not socialized well either, and that was just simply from ignorance.
I do concede that the Pit Bull fighting gene probably played a part in this as well, but actually we can't say for sure. This sort of thing happens to all dogs, all sizes, all breeds. It's important to not develop a prejudice against a certain breed because all dogs deserve a chance. I also know people who have Pit Bulls--and they are good dogs. Do they go crazy eventually, like people say?? Well, it's now said that that is a myth. I still don't know what to think, personally.
After Max got bit, it was like the world just froze for a second. I didn't even realize that he was bit at first, I thought it was just an air bite. I made Max leave the room because he became very angry with the dog, and I didn't want the dog to get scared and attack him. At least I did that much right.
Once Max left, I disciplined Bruno the best I could--he was obviously scared by our reaction and I was still reeling by what just happened. So did Bruno learn anything? Nope. He learned that bites make people back off and leave him alone. So all I could do was put him in the kennel and went to check on Max.
He was in his room, still very upset and rocking. Autism makes things a little harder--when the unexpected happens, all hell breaks loose in your home for a little while. There is nothing you can really do to calm kids with autism down, you just have to ride it out.
But when I saw blood flowing down Max's face, I nearly lost it. "He bit you??" was all I could say. An air bite was bad enough, but he bit Max??
I promised Max that Bruno would be gone within the hour. I hugged him and told him I was sorry. I brought him upstairs away from the dog because Max was still talking about wanting to hurt the dog "to get him back." Once he had an ice pack on his nose and I put a call out to his owners to come get the dog, he calmed down a little. I promised my family that if Bruno showed a hint of aggression (I was thinking more like a growl, not a bite) that I would have his family pick him up. I can't even begin to describe how I was feeling in that moment. Worst mother in the world. Incompetent trainer. Humiliation to it's highest. And the lowest I have felt in a really long time.
His owners felt terrible, of course. They had told me in the beginning that if training didn't work, they were going to give him away but they had a hard time figuring out how to do that with Bruno's fearful aggression. I recommended them another trainer who is extremely good at what he does, or else that they surrender the dog to a pit bull rescue, where they have experience with the breed. Honestly, I am not sure they take pits that have shown aggression. Most likely, Bruno will need to be put down. It is hard not to take all of this personally, to feel so responsible. I had a hard time saying, "Oh well, these things will happen!"
Last night I had nightmares, it's hard to explain what they were about because they were so jumbled up. But they were all about me being a criminal and everyone was out looking for me. Not self pity. Just honestly a horribly traumatizing moment of seeing your kid get bit over and over (in my head) and feeling like a failure who put him in that position.
That was yesterday. But today is a new day. Today I can forgive myself and accept that I'm not the best mother in the world, not the best trainer either. I am still new and learning. Perhaps a more experienced trainer would have been able to catch it before Max got bit. Or maybe he wouldn't. Because dogs are animals and they bite. I am thankful that if the bite had to happen at all, that it happened as soon as it did. Had I gotten comfortable with Bruno and let the kids see him later on, my guard would have been let down and things would have been much, much, worse.
God is merciful. He protected us and let Max only get a small gash on his nose (even though it's still hard for me to look at.) Bruno could have gotten Max more in the face if he wanted to. He's not a killer dog though--not yet, but he's well on his way.
Where did I go wrong? I didn't ask enough questions. I actually had an aggression packet in my hand to give to the owners to fill out before Bruno got here but I put it off, thinking I would have offended them because I wasn't sure that Bruno was aggressive since they never described him that way.
Other places I went wrong: I should have read between the lines on the intake form. I even told the owners that there were many "red flags". I saw it, but wanted to give him a chance. Lesson learned.
What I tell my kids in these low moments is that we just have get back up again and try to remember what we learned. It's ok to be humbled. It's fine to even feel low. I crawl to God in my knees in these moments and He lifts me back up again. It's good to let Him be God.
Will I ever take a Pitbull again? I don't know. I still believe there are good ones out there that need rehabilitation. But I do not yet have enough experience. I never really wanted to work with aggressive dogs in the first place, but sometimes aggression comes along with a host of other problems and people don't even notice it until the first bite.
What I can say is that I'm still going to keep trying. I'm still going to be a trainer, even if it means failing sometimes. You can't always learn just by success alone, sometimes you have to learn from your mistakes.
I emailed my trainer-friend about what happened, hoping he would have the words to somehow make me want to try again, because at that moment, I wanted to just quit. And he didn't disappoint:
Anytime ignorance or inexperience put others at risk or cause serious harm, it is healthy to feel really hard feelings. These feelings are your north star guiding you to see anything and everything that can help you continue to be strong and brave and have an impact without being arrogant or Reckless or dangerous. The sense of responsibility and the heavy burden you feel are why the world needs people like you to keep moving forward on that Journey.
And I will always remember to, that fearful dogs can bite. Remember to socialize your dog. It is the utmost most important thing to do in order to keep things safe.
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